This post was inspired by Z, my sorry ass ex-husband, and the letters I found today while unpacking some boxes in my new apartment. Z. called me tonight. Our discussion entailed many things, but he mentioned the bi-polar post I made a while back on the
forum. Then I started telling Z. how I was depressed lately. We started talking about crazy people. Mainly strippers and sociopathic men. Then Z. said I should team-up with him on catharticlament.com and be an equal partner. I have been cautious about what I post on the internet, because I never want to leave myself open to too much criticism. I have decided (with the help of Z.) fuck it. I am going to put a bit of my personal life out there for everyone. It shouldn't be too shocking anyways to those who even have an idea I exist. I voiced my concern to Z. and he assured me we would collaborate and admit our dumb ass mistakes together. Maybe you guys will be inspired to admit some of your dumb ass mistakes too. I am going to use his real name in this post because he is such an asshole and I hate him. His name is Tracy Allen.
Sociopaths are sneaky and will worm their way into your life, despite your misgivings from the beginning. Something about this man is not quite right. You can't put your finger on it, and you hesitate, but you get sucked into him anyway. These men are often charming and can put on an act that wins your sympathy and devotion. If you have issues of low self-esteem, they instinctively know how to approach you and suck you in. If you are lonely and needy you are a big target for the man with a sociopathic personality disorder. He makes you feel special and important. He convinces you they he has been misunderstood all his life, and you are the only one who understands him now. You feel validated and needed by this man, and he sucks you in deeper and deeper over time. This is true. I met him at Platinum Plus in Memphis, Tennessee back in 2005. He was a customer and I was a stripper. We hit it off and hung out after work that night. We got along so well in fact, that we spent the next four days together.
Your first warning was your gut instinct, and that was the time to run away and leave this relationship behind. We all need to pay attention to the red flags, warning signs, and gut instincts. When I first met Tracy he told me he was a manager at Big Lots. Four days later he still hadn't went to work. I found out he didn't have a job at all. The first time we separated after four days he called me immediately. He asked where I was and who was the person I was talking to in the background. This should have been my first warning sign. Throughout the next three years he would lie to me, steal from me, hit me, cheat on me, break my possessions and keep me in an emotional turmoil.
The sociopath is sometimes charming and usually looks and acts normal enough to fool us. When most people met Tracy they would assume because he was clean cut and good looking that he was an upstanding guy. Later when they found out the real story they were shocked claiming he didn't seem like the kind of guy who beat women. The most important thing to know is that a sociopath has a brain that does not work right. More specifically, he is missing one of the building blocks of his personality. This is important to understand because it explains the seriousness of this disorder and why it cannot be treated or fixed or cured. This sociopathic person will offer to get counseling (like that's going to help someone with a problem of their magnitude). That won't work. They will go to the counselor and blame you.
The part of his brain that is missing shapes his conscience, and because it is missing, he does not have one. The sociopath does not feel guilt, remorse or shame like the rest of us feel when we do something bad or wrong. He is not capable of feeling guilt or shame because he is missing that piece of his personality. It also means he does not have the boundaries, restraints on his behavior or impulse control that the rest of us do so he will do things that are outrageous, things that normal personalities would never consider doing. I often found myself explaining elementary concepts to Tracy.
The most memorable one was when he went to the refrigerator, got a piece of cheese and threw the wrapper in the floor on the way back to the couch. I asked him to pick it up. He saw nothing wrong with this behavior. It always felt like I was raising a fucking child! I would get so frustrated by his stupidity that I would get the urge to go beat my head off of a brick wall. I had to explain to him why it was wrong to lie. I tried to reason with him that we should show each other respect even when we disagreed. Once a relationship loses its level of respect, it is doomed. Now anyone can act any way they feel like acting at any time without regard for the other person.
Tracy had an ideal situation going. I loved him. He didn't work. I constantly bitched at him about getting a job. His idea of a job was a three week stint through the temp service. On the second week (payday) he would initiate an argument, take his measly little paycheck (the kind of money I wipe my ass on), and disappear for the weekend. He would come back Monday when he needed a ride to work. The fucked up part is the only thing he had to do is work and love me. He would have had it fucking made today! He never had to want for shit. When you love someone you are obviously not going to see them go without.
We always had a nice place to live. I made sure we had transportation. I got him a cell phone I repossessed later because he was calling other bitches from it. I bought him clothes, cologne, and we went out often. I tried to explain to him that I didn't need his check. I just wanted him to work so that he would have a sense of self and I could respect him as a man. Guess I was asking too much. He acted like I was bothering him when I mentioned getting a job to him. The whole time we were together I can honestly say he worked a total of approximately nine weeks. I wish I could find someone to love me like me. I'd be set. The biggest question I had was---why? Why can't you just "pretend" you love me? Why can't you just pretend to want to work? If someone is doing everything for me I am going to kiss their ass. Why couldn't he just do what he was supposed to do? Because sociopaths are not wired right.
There is no reasoning with them. They don't give a fuck. They remind me of Paris Hilton. They tell you whatever you want to hear and do what the fuck they please.
This explains why you sometimes feel like his brain just doesn't work right. He lies, uses you, manipulates, bleeds you dry, rages, begs forgiveness, and then does it all over again without any guilt, remorse or shame. Are you the one who is crazy, you ask yourself? No. His brain really does not work right. I often thought the way he treated me was my fault.
I remember when I had a black eye once. We got to the gas station. I got out of the car. When I returned he yelled at me. He accused me of trying to make him look bad, claiming I wanted everyone to see my eye. A sociopath will argue with you that you "make them" react in a certain way. If you try to point something out to them they will turn the tables and point out a flaw of yours. You ask yourself, "Is this person serious?" Then you start to contemplate are they borderline retarded or are they aware of what they are doing? Do they do it on purpose? Do they really know any better?
Somewhere in all these questions you overwhelm yourself and get confused. You just can't understand why this person is the way they are. By the time this relationship explodes, the sociopath will have done many, many things that leave you bewildered and exhausted. You are baffled and amazed at the same time. Yet, your dumb ass sticks around because you have invested time, money, and emotions. You hope they will change and your efforts won't be in vain.
Well, have I got news for you! The more supportive you are the worse he treats you. The more understanding you are the more irritable and ugly he gets. This man, your relationship and life are crumbling around you and you still are not even sure why. For the first few months, you frequently question and second guess yourself. When this person tells you that you are the problem you believe them. It takes a while for you to realize that it is really ALL them. You are spent, worn out, depressed, anxious, sad, scared, and don't know how to fix it. Your nerves are shot. You may go to work and get drunk everyday for years to try to blur it out. This person may even start to beat you, leaving you in constant fear of your safety. You are not sure you are safe alone with them anymore. You can't fix it or him. This personality disorder, in this man you probably love,
cannot be fixed.
Other early warning signs that might alert you to this personality disorder are: lack of friends (he has none); lack of family (he burned them all out and used them up), their own family may even tell you they are bad news; a history of failed relationships (the other party always wronged him); being secretive (especially about money and his past); acting defensive when questioned about his whereabouts, work, money, or how he spends his time (he is already hiding things from you); criminal history or committing fraud without being charged (his family/friends will often not press charges); underachiever at work (frequently changing jobs); irresponsible spending (he will be spending your money, too, soon!)…..and many other signs, most of which you recognize, but might still be in denial about. Many innocent, trusting women at this point of the relationship think their guy is still an okay guy; he just has some problems that she can surely fix with unconditional love, devotion and support.
I agree with this, too. Just as you look into a twenty dollar whore's eyes and envision potential, telling yourself she was probably just dealt a bad hand, you look at your little sociopath and believe you can help. Yeah, right. It's Brittney, bitch! It's like the little crazy Chucky doll. It's going to pick away at you until you're dead. Even if you live it will always haunt your memories. The worst part is these people do this to the people who are genuinely trying to help them. And as Z. mentioned when they have ran you crazy they will move on to the next one as if you weren't shit.
In the end I had finally had enough. I filed for divorce (while he was in jail for his sixth domestic violence charge). I asked the court to issue a permanent restraining order as part of the divorce decree. He wrote me many times from jail claiming he had changed. This was the first time that I didn't go back. I stood strong. I knew better. We had been through this too many times.
Sociopaths play off your emotions. They know you want to believe them. They will tell you whatever they can to draw you in and then fuck you right in the ass. They are pathological lying, fits of rage, and being completely self-centered.
The hallmark, defining feature that sociopaths have that connects these three things is an astonishing lack of guilt, remorse and shame despite the heartbreak and hardships they cause to others.
This man does not feel guilty. He is not ashamed, and he is not remorseful or sorry for what he has done to you or others. He is not sorry for all the pain, disruption and turmoil he has caused for both you and himself. He lacks the brain to be able to feel these emotions, and you cannot make him sorry.
I knew he had not changed when his letter said, "I am sorry for whatever I did to hurt you." This indicated to me that he was still clueless about what he had done. I concluded he had not changed. I packed up my apartment, found a new club and left the state. Tracy has since been released from jail and is now with his new stripper girlfriend. Good luck to her and him. She'll need it. Along with plenty of make up to cover up those black eyes that are in transit.
Angeleyes. Expect to be hearing a lot more from me.