I read Hustler magazine every month. It is the only porno I subscribe to, and the only one I look at. I like the articles that Larry Flynt has been running the last few years. A lot of political stuff, from authors and reporters outside of his own staff. Sure, I could go to many other publications with political satire, humor, and articles, however they tend to be too dry. Those publications take themselves way too seriously. The cartoons, although sometimes stupid, are pretty good.
Most people don't believe that I get it for just the articles. They say "Oh yea, right. Well, you DO look at the pictures too!" No, you tool, I could care less about the airbrushed prostitutes whom I will never meet/fuck. I suppose I like Larry Flynt, and his magazine, because he has balls. Often I do not agree with him, but I like the fact that he reminds me that agreeing or not is our RIGHT as Americans. Which brings me to my topic....
I am trying to have my morning eradication, when I pick up the May 2007 issue. In it, there is a two page interview with a rapper named T-pain. Apparently, he is the guy that I want to strangle for writing the worst strip club ballad ever, ‘I'm N Luv (Wit a Stripper.).' As if the song wasn't bad enough, getting constant play for months at every strip club in the country and on the radio, the story of how he wrote it was even worse.
And I quote:
"I took a friend of mine in Florida to a strip club. It was his first time. So I got ahold [sic] of one of the girls and gave her money, and told her to stay on him. And he fell in love with her!"
Oh yea? Stroke of fucking brilliance there pal! That lame story is the reason I have to see pompous, worn out pigs on the stage slow grinding to the lyrics "she has the body of a goddess?"
Our club was using it as closing song, so I got to hear it up to three times a shift, for six days a week, for at least two months. Fuck.Ing.Weak.
That wasn't enough though. Just as all weak-ass hip hop songs that can't rest on their own merits do, they released a radio version, and several remixes. Like ‘I'm in love with a tipper." Shoot me.
I made a few of my own verses, maybe when sales and radio play start slipping again, T-pain can steal from me and re-re-re-re-release this version:
I'm in love with a hooker. You can see she's a looker....
Or:
She ain't nothing but a stripper. That's why I ain't finna tip ‘er
Or, my personal favorite:
Put a beating on a stripper. It will make you really chipper...
You get the picture. As the interview goes on, he talks about his do's and don'ts of strip clubs. Had he said anything even remotely intelligent, I probably would not have felt compelled to attack his song so intimately. Here's a gem, "Don't throw money down and then pick it up." And another "Don't go broke." Who the fuck are you talking to? If a persons base intellect is so low that they would do this, maybe you should offer advice on how to tie a shoe or correctly use a toilet.
Another thing he said, in relation to conduct, was, "Don't talk to the girls for too long...they want to tell people their life stories." No jackass, that's not why they are boring you to death with drivel, it's because they want you to SPEND SOME MONEY on a dance. They figure if you have money at some point you will be driven to shut them up by getting a dance or a champagne room, you dumb, cheap fuck.
Do us strip club employees all a favor and do not make any more ‘raps' about shit you know nothing about. It makes our collective heads hurt.
