I remember my first stint with a contagion some whore infected me with back when I was fifteen. And ya know, back then, a guy was just glad to be getting some pussy so you really didn't use discretion (not like much has changed, either in my thirty-second year on this rock.) I recall seeing some red spots on my dick after I nailed a junior from a different high school than I attended. She was plump, big tits, and I had often gotten stink finger while her and I were rolling around in the autumn leaves during the fall of '89, but I didn't fuck her in the beginning. Actually, I dumped her because she was too fat, because even back then when I had no idea what a woman should look like despite her wanting to blow me every time my dad was at work, I knew I wasn't going to be sending out any Christmas cards with her. Didn't fuck her while I was dating her, broke up with her, then called her like, 4 months later after I dumped the broad I was done messing around with, so the semi-fatty came over and I finally stuffed her like the Thanksgiving turkey she was.
Well, the point is on what a whore she turned into during those four months because shortly after I finally filled her like goddamn cannoli, I got a STD. I had to lie down in one of those hospital gowns while some male doctor shoved what resembled a metal Q-tip up my piss hole.
Now, I've been punched in the face, kicked, kneed, and slapped in the balls. I've had cell-phones, knives, and even a bottle of Aunt Jemima thrown at me in the ribs. An ex girlfriend of mine was even sucking me one time in the missionary position with her between my legs, and she accidentally bent my dick so far the other way that blood began to trickle out rather than my orgasm acting as eye drops upon her dumbass. And one time I even jumped off a house while drunk off my ass. But none of those compare to the pain of a doctor sliding a solid object up my urethra to take a sample.
What kinda prehistoric, Jap-job method is this, anyway? Obviously he's looking for some liquid to do some tests, and if I'm not mistaken, every time I jerk off and practically every broad who has blown me knows about pre-jack. Even at the tender age of fifteen, what the hell was so hard about asking me to go into a room, jerk it a little, and then get a sample of the juice forty-five seconds before I actually blew the mother load? I'm no doctor, but common fucking sense tells me that little morsel of piss/sperm would have sufficed as a sample for the lab rather than that torture.
Don't ever get an STD test. If you think you have one, just start taking the meds and forgo the Marcellus Wallace role up your shaft. You'd be better off sliding down a banister of greased razor blades naked then once you reached the bottom, two football players started bludgeoning you with barbed-wire baseball bats soaked in Tabasco sauce.
Here's a rundown of some popular and not so popular STDs.
1.
Human Papilloma Virus: Something severe if you're a female, guys will typically get warts, yay. But women, if you find out you have cervical cancer, well then, bitch, you probably should have just blown him. I doubt it affects your tonsils as much as your cervix, which is why this STD is a good poster child for broads to suck more dicks. Of course, you probably shouldn't have babies anyway because we are already over-flown with bad mothers on Earth.
2.
Herpes: Which will come first: A cure for cancer or a cure for this in-law? And I only use that word because every poor bastard married out there feels like something eating away at his skin when he's at her parent's house. And if you're a guy, I hear you can only fuck during an outbreak if you have Vicodin, which is fucked because that means guys are still in need of pussy after what it's already done to their cock.
3.
Hepatitis: Good luck, mother fucker. Getting this disease is kind of like committing a crime, getting busted, then depending on the state you're in to carry out the punishment. It basically comes down to this: fuck a broad in the mouth with hepatitis, you may contract Hepatitis C. Fuck another guy in the ass and have his loose shit poke at your dickhole for ten minutes is grounds for Hepatitis A. Therefore, in correctional facility terms, acquiring Hep B & C is the equivalent of getting community service. Hep A is prison. Probably best to not be a homo or fuck a dirty slut in the ass, basically. Good news, though, for all you misdemeanor Hep B havers . . . you can now prevent spreading it, but no cure is in near sight. Whooptie fucking do!
4.
HIV/AIDS: Small anagrams for such huge bullshit. I firmly believe that this virus CAN be transmitted by blood, but CANNOT be by vaginal secretion or saliva. Whatever you think you know about this disease is at least 13% fiction, or what I like to call, hypothetical bullshit.
5.
Syphilis: Holy fuck. Syphilis = the paper cut of STDs. Worst case scenario if you don't get treated is dementia, and who the fuck is seriously down to earth to begin with?
6.
Trichomoniasis: Listen up you whores. Just because you simply have discharge doesn't mean you have a yeast infection . . . or your boyfriend was fucking your ass then put it back in your pussy. Typically men only get this from women and not vise versa, much like the words "I Love You," and "No one's ever fucked me there before." So, the science is still out on this topic, but it's safe to assume women acquire Trichomoniasis by lying, which means 52.10003033% of the planet is fucked and pharmaceutical distributors are doing cartwheels.
Women lie, what can I say? They also bitch a lot. Broads always complain about their assholes being "exit only" when you try and break the monotony of their twats, and yet they seem to pull through just fine after biting the pillow. They also bitch about giving birth, like it's so awful, yet spoil the hell outta the little fucker who comes out despite this supposed agony. Trust me, bitch, there's drugs, date-rape or otherwise for both of the before mentioned. There's no lullaby for our dick holes being treated like a dart board. Once an elephant fucks you up the ass you can come complain about pain. Until then, the metal Q-tip up our shaft is trump.