So Anna Nicole Smith died a couple months back---Boo fucking hoo. I find myself saddened only because she didn't die of thirst; parched in the Sahara then keeled over only to have vultures, coyotes and jackals peck at the collagen and silicone in hopes of finding some meat within that bionic woman's wrotting corpse. For real, the only difference between her and any other good-looking broad sucking the money and life out of every person around her is that she was able to be clicked on in a "Which star posed nude for Playboy" banner: A: Angelina Jolie, B: Courtney Cox, or C: Anna Nicole. And if you clicked on the blonde whore's name, promises of a free laptop or an Xbox 360 were right around the corner . . . Eat my ass/kiss my dick.
What did this broad accomplish in her life? Nothing! She married some wrinkled-ass billionaire after showing her tits on stage and probably couldn't act good enough to have been an extra in the Baywatch pilot episode. She whored around, pounded so much coke up her nose that Keith Richards would've actually considered doing a ‘rock against drugs' commercial specifically for her, yet was portrayed as some royalty in this ass-backward country of ours.
SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, YOU MORONS!!!
Here's some reality for ya. I'd rather piss on her dry, dead carcass right now than have been given the chance to shower her face golden when she was alive, just for the fact she was viewed as something special when really all she amounted to was an avaricious pig with some nice, augmented cans not nearly enough people got to feel on despite the slut she was.
Here. Some might call this a time line, but I'd like to think of it as a "don't ever take this path in your life" blueprint. Enjoy, aspiring whores. Maybe before it was Heidi Fleiss, but now you for sure have a confirmed role model, gold-diggers.
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November 28, 1967 a blond, baby, future bitch shoots out of her fatass mother's twat and the heifer says, "Vickie Hogan." That's right. Not "Anna." But "Vickie."
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1983: Now, I wasn't there personally, but one would have to assume Vickie lost her hymen a few, short weeks after confirmation class had ended and right before she had to deliver all those Thin Mints. In fact, I'm pretty sure the first day she put on a bra someone else had taken it off later on that very same evening. So anyway, Vickie drops outta high school because I guess she was just too pretty for all that nonsensical structure in her life, and just like any woman at this stage, she opts for drugs and swapping spit with people outside of her race, probably because her father had taken the loving of his precious daughter to extremities such as obtaining 'stink finger' while trying to ignore the red spots on those white sheets.
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1985: Vickie gets married to a 16-year old fry cook and gets knocked up and suddenly realizes that other hole could have been the safer, just not more satisfying, recepticle for his sauce. They have a son, Daniel, who had absolutely no idea what a whore his mother was then or the paramount slut she would be in the future. Sad but true.
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1986: Vickie leaves that loser and becomes a stripper when she wasn't cashiering at Wal-Mart, which serves as bitter irony considering she was asking "paper or plastic" at both noon and midnight at separate locations.
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1991: an elderly
billionaire walks into the strip club and thinks blondes are the way to go, which, he wasn't really mistaken. He pulls some strings along with her tits and gives her the name ‘Anna Nicole' because it sounds better for her upcoming magazine gig. They wed several months later.
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1992: Anna Nicole stops grinding cock and giving blowjobs in the parking lot at the strip club to spread it all for Playboy, after which Guess jeans feeds her ego by basically saying she has a picture-perfect ass rather than one that should be drilled in pornos by upcomer Peter North; Traci Lords then undoubtedly benifits because Anna Nicole is supposedly "too good" for pornographic movies---what-the-fuck-ever. (Before it was even fashionable, I'd pay right now to see that bitch getting stuck up the ass by Mandingo cock with some fucking Mexican jerkin it in the corner without a fluffer, awaiting his turn to aid Anna in making her rent that month. Fucking prissy whore.)
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February, 1994. What a fucking surprise: Anna Nicole is hospitalized after collapsing because she mixed prescription drugs with alcohol. Not only is this not shocking at this juncture of Anna's life, but money was likely lost to bets people had made on when she would completely turn into a full-fledged piece of shit. (Whoever guessed age 27 ate good that night, I know that much.)
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August, 1995. The billionaire she'd married dies; soon after Anna Nicole is hospitalized yet again. The public release simply stated it was because she had an "adverse reaction to prescription medication." Yea, sure, and if I went on a killing spree with an AK-47, I guess my finger just had an adverse reaction to the fuckin' trigger. What crap.
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1995 – 2002: Anna Nicole is in court trying to get her greedy hands on the old fucker's money, of which his son won't let her. Finally she is awarded $88 million, half of which was punitive damages because the son tried his damnedest to cut her off during the whole ordeal. Fucking greedy whore.
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2002: Empty-headed TV watchers soak it up as Anna Nicole gets her own reality show, presumably because television producers all have parents who are genetically related. Brown rice and vegetables apparently become trite for Anna Nicole, therefore she goes on the
Dolly Madison and
Betty Crocker diet, with Oprah-like calorie tips from
Little Debbie.
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2003: Anna Nicole becomes a spokesperson for
TrimSpa: a pill women should take if they can't look at themselves in the mirror without crying, as well if they hate their life in general. Aside from the
TripSpa, Anna Nicole embraces the ‘Columbian diet,' which is taken nasally rather than orally and usually in bathrooms other than her own.
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2004: a federal appeals court overturns Anna Nicole's $80 million inheritance, presumably coming to the conclusion that she was, in fact, just a money-grubbing whore who sucked great cock and threw her pussy around Hollywood hoping to get somewhere, yet sadly only got treated similar to that of a chew toy getting played with by a Pitbull.
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Sept. 7, 2006 Anna Nicole pops out another kid (Dannielynn,) which many Americans wonder 'how?' considering they themselves need licenses to fish, hunt, and drive a vehicle, yet she can raise another human being without a permit. Seems a man in Alabama even suggested she be labeled as 'fur-brained' just for the simple fact he not have to pay a ticket after pelting her with a bebe gun.
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Sept. 10, 2006 Anna Nicole's 20-year old son, Daniel dies from a tagged ‘overdose of methadone'
while in her hospital room. Assumingly Anna Nicole was NOT originally there because she was an intern or advocating for the
Make a Wish foundation. If nothing else, those of us who think of her as a nuisance only hope she got flanked with bombarding bedpans in mortar-like fashion by people having an IQ higher than their shoe size.
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Sept. 26, 2006 Lawyer Howard K. Stern says he is the father of Anna's newborn, afterward a photographer, Larry Birkhead says he's the father. There were never reports, but I assume there was also a Mexican gardener, a Black pimp, and a Jewish man who shares operations at a chain entitled
Spearmint Rhino in the pool of would-be fathers as well.
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Nov. 7, 2006 Anna Nicole is discharged from the hospital after being treated for pneumonia and a collapsed lung. Sources close to me say that she got the shit beat out of her while only having a cold, yet received special treatment due to the costly enrichment of all her bodily features within past years, of which many millionaires seemed peeved because they never got the chance to 'cum' between.
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Feb. 8, 2007 And finally, Anna Nicole Smith dies at age 39 and gives her infant daughter the ultimate chance at being raised correctly because it will be by someone other than her. Hallelujah! For all the Anna fans out there, this might have been the only thing she did to keep herself and that snotty-nosed liability out of eternal damnation. That kid's fate is still up in the air, though, as I predict she will grow up to be a whore because of that whole apple falling by the tree thing. Or wait, was it because you can take the whore out the ghetto but you can't take the ghetto out the whore? I dunno. Maybe it's because every broad in the world learned to be a bitch from someone, and I'm pretty sure this kid will hear about her mom's unwholesomeness early on, yet will still ignore it and maintain yet another path to cunt heaven. Even though she's a baby right now, still . . . fuck her. I hope one of R. Kelly's kids shits on her because the whole piss thing just got too predictable.
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Apr. 2007: Larry Birkhead (the photographer,) after DNA tests, finds out he is, in fact, the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter. He seems pleased that the entire world looks at him as the guy who got cheated on and lied to.
"Birkhead jubilantly announced the DNA results after the closed hearing in the Bahamas and then hugged his rival, Howard K. Stern." Yea . . . cuz that's what I'd do: hug the guy who fucked my girl; same bitch who said I was supposedly the only one eating her out, then to find out I could have been chewing on another guy's nut and realizing she'd probably kissed me after slobbin on his knob after a 'lunch date.' What an asshole. This guy is the Kato Kaelin of '07 and the poster child for stand up comics for the next two years, at least. Dude's all proud of some illegitimate child he's got with a dead woman who had more dicks in her than cars have passed through the Holland fucking Tunnel. Way to keep those expectations high, douche bag. Wonder if money had anything to do with that smile, eh? . . . Die, loser.
On a side note in regards to the background of that pic, I had no fucking idea there were so many Black people in the Bahamas; I guess all that's left is Iceland and fishing with Bjork's stupid ass.
Seriously. Fuck Anna Nicole. I'm ashamed that so many people in the country glorified her. I think that just speaks in volumes about the general public's mentality towards celebrities. I'm especially pissed off because this broad never did anything to begin with to become a celebrity other than grinding cock and having someone with money think she was special, when in actuality if she weren't attractive, she should have been blowing homeless guys for their last pack of Ramen noodles just to not go hungry.
I mean, I never saw Anna Nicole Smith's reality show, but can only assume it was similar to that of a retarded kid bussing a tray at McDonald's . . . i.e. way too much reality for me.
Of course, it's just my opinion, but Karla Homolka is much hotter, anyway. In addition, waaaaaaaaaaay more interesting. Where the fuck is Karla's reality show? Now that is something I'd actually pay a cable bill for. Hell, I'd even pay for her 900 number if she got one. Anna wasn't interesting. Gimme some fucking Karla!
As the worms and maggots digest what's left of Anna Nicole Smith's carcass, I would gratefully floss my teeth with the longest hair from Karla's pubic area and tell her not to hit 'pause' on the camcorder because as her and I both know, we gotta back-up those memories, baby! (Call me. We won't have to use animal tranquilizers on them . . . I got the hook up on some good shit so you won't go to prison again. I got a better job than smuggling cigarettes, too, so I'll even support that kid of yours despite wanting to slap him in the fucking mouth every time school lets out for the summer. I promise, though, I would never raise my hand to you because I know no one could ever deliver a punch like Paul.)
luv U. . . Z.
E-mail:embittered@catharticlament.com
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