So last week a friend of mine---whom you should all know by now---seemed surprised that I wasn't drinking Saturday night at work. I've reiterated to him and others several times that I am not an alcoholic, and after such a declaration people's eyes tend to roll or I'll receive a smart-assed smirk while defending the 2.2 times a week I get shitfaced.
Of course, I consider the source whenever someone attempts to belittle me using whatever shortcomings I might have with their verbal onslaught, so mentally I'll evaluate or just think to myself how these people have the balls to say some shit like that to me considering they usually have addictions in pill or powder form, are awful at handling their money, or straight up just hate their families and vice versa.
Ultimately, in the end, these people try to bring up other's shortcomings probably to make themselves feel virtuous, and these instances of presumptuousness they spew at us coincidently always seem to be so close to their very own amorality---the proverbial 'takes one to know one' sort of thing is how I usually close the conversation.
Now, rather than defend my honor or others like me for ten paragraphs, I'm simply going to proclaim I'm going to bump down my own intoxication to 1.7 times a week, and in the same advertisement of my self-control, I'm also going to dig through the sewers of my brain and drop what I have seen people do in life to feed their addictions, which will further cleanse the rest of us who merely flirt with drugs and alcohol and not have affairs.
So let's start off with something fairly basic here:
Ah, yes. Now, if you're a smoker, you know how important that cigarette is to you. Going without one could interrupt your concentration on any given day and very well could make you go crazy if you have to deal with people all day stupider than you. The cigarette is our friend and must never be ignored. I know this, man. Believe me, I know.
However, let us just say that you have recently committed a crime, been busted, and now you have to go serve several months in jail. I must emphasize
jail and not prison because cigarettes are a little easier to come by in prison, but when you're in county, seeing a butt on the ground while you're walking back from rec happens very seldom, much more so actually getting your convicted hands on an entire cigarette.
The picture represents how a couple men I saw while serving my time in the county bed and breakfast were lighting a cigarette they had gotten a hold of. By taking two AA batteries from Walkmans and holding them on the edges of a county-given razor, one can create enough heat to light up a smoke and live in bliss for roughly fifty seconds. Fairly pathetic. Next:
I guess years and years of grinding cock and drug abuse builds up a certain tolerance within the tantalizing temptresses I've been surrounded with most of my adult life. With smoking weed, drinking alcohol, popping ecstasy and snorting coke all the time, yea, I guess one's body would become accustomed to all those chemicals, so then apparently it's time to take more.
But in some cases, mostly pill-heads, swallowing that Percocet, Vicodin, Oxycontin, etc takes too long to kick in since strippers have built up a tolerance level equaling that of a rhinosaurous, so our little geniuses in dressing rooms all over the country have decided to grind up the pill with their lipstick and then snort it, because, it's like, way faster, man. Yea, I'd give this one about 3 ½ stars on the 'pathetic' level. And that brings us to:
For my safety, I'm going to be very vague on this. In fact, I'd almost like to call this a hypothetical situation even though it is very, very real.
Hypothetically, let's just say I knew of a woman who had an alcohol problem. And let's add to that equation that this female was a good 'friend' of someone in control of, let's say . . . the strip club she worked at. We can also assume that since she was out of control, raging tempers, obnoxiously loud and had breakdowns within the club during operating hours, the hierarchy of the strip club might cut her off of alcohol rather than fire her, because as I stated, they are such good 'friends.'
Well, as I'm sure any counselor would attest to, an addict of any drug will do what needs to be done to get their fix at any given time, and in this story, it's at this point where this woman decides to sneak alcohol into the dressing room and drink after she's done with her set and throughout a large portion of her day even when she's not 'working.' Ahh, but the aftermath of one fictitious stripper then wreaks out her mouth and into a certain someone's nose and she is busted for drinking despite having been cut off at the bar.
Orders are handed out that if even the slightest scent of alcohol flow from her mouth, this ringleader will not only fire her, but we can assume she would be cut off from other benefits as well, and since 'the man' in this scenario is obviously serious this time, then what is a young damsel dressed in high heels to do?
Soak a few tampons in some vodka and keep them in baggies, probably four or five and insert them in the bathroom as if it were that time of the month. Supposedly the glands down there soak up alcohol even faster than drinking it. Now, we'll go ahead and give this one 4 stars, and remember there's only five. Next:
I've already gone over this in a previous post, but the concept just sits foul with me. There are clubs out there where the employees can smoke weed in the back. This information isn't privy to the general public and I'm sure you can understand why. Most strip clubs, you can smoke cigarettes but not weed, but then there are some where you can't even smoke cigs in the dressing room. It all depends on where you work at.
Now, when you have to fry up some butter and cook your marijuana in it, then use that butter to make chocolate chip cookies so you can eat them at work because the particular club doesn't allow smoke of any kind, you're fucked. I don't really give this a star on the pathetic level; it just sits at nil. It's like I want to say to you people, "Come on, what's next? The wafer the priest gives you will have to be laced with something in order for you to attend church? What the fuck." Ya know? Whatever. Next:
Supposedly folding heroin up in some bread then swallowing it will make the drug dissolve at a proper rate so you don't start wigging out, and all I have to say is: Who thinks of this shit!?!?
If you stick needles in your arm to get high, you've already lost the game of life, but if you have to sneak bread balls into work and take them like aspirin, kill yourself right mother fucking now, you sneaky little fucker. 4 ½ stars on the 'pathetic' meter for this one.
Holy fuck. People who do this type of shit must have no conscience and I can't even imagine the paranoia level of one who 'puffs the dragon' or whatever, then goes into a workplace surrounded by people who already suspect they're a junkie. Aren't they scared, or care what their coworkers think? Jesus Christ. Stripping while geeked out of your mind has got to be what it was like being Jewish and in bed with Ava Braun, then hearing the door open. Anyway . . .
So if ya haven't gotten the gist of this post yet, what I've been trying to do is combine two totally diferent entities that people combine in order to get their fix---shit that normal people wouldn't even think of. Naturally I saved the worst for last; five stars, maxed out pathetically. There is no hope for these people.
Totally the two worst things a person out there could combine so they can get high.
Z.
E-mail:embittered@catharticlament.com
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