Been getting some feedback on my attitude, and let me tell ya, some of it ain't pretty. Hopefully after you've read the following and accept it, you can shut the fuck up. All you complainers out there keep forgetting that you certainly have the option of not reading any of this shit I write or listening to what I have to say in person. Either way, just remember, I'm not the one who came to you.
The following is in no particular order. There's no structure to it. And hopefully I've used improper English many times, and ya know what? I don't fucking care. Whatever makes me laugh in life, I will advocate.
Whatever . . . so here it is.
I love stereotypes. I love that you can't stand my existence. I love how you sit there and wonder where my parents went wrong. Fuck you.
I love that rednecks are affiliated with trailers. Duct taping your possessions to your car and having a rusty tractor in your front yard fucking rules and makes me laugh. Fucking sheep and your very own daughter makes my gut split.
I laugh at strippers claiming they have to leave early because their mom is sick, but in actuality, we know where they're going. I laugh harder after I find out from someone that they're in the dressing room crying because of something I said to them.
Fuck. Now you want us to call them 'little people' but guess what, MIDGET is a hell of a lot funnier.
I love that the AIDS quilt hasn't been attended to in years, but twenty years ago we were supposed to be all misty-eyed because Ryan White got it from a blood transfusion.
Female teachers fucking their students totally kicks ass and makes me chuckle. I fingered two of my babysitters way back when and I doubt they even graduated high school much more so taught it, and that's fucking funny.
Dr. Gregory House: A fictitious character, nonetheless funnier than anyone on syndicated television.
It's funny to me that Black people are referenced as monkeys, pimps, and make-up for well over half the population in prisons. Why is that so bad? It's the fucking truth, ain't it? Everyone's heard the joke that Father's Day is the most confusing day in the hood, but no one would come out and publicly say that joke still kicks ass. Why not?
I love Christianity. Why? Because their thought process is structured around theories that have more holes in them than a fucking colander.
Pissing on your girlfriend in the shower for the first time, and by the time she realizes she's being urinated on, you're almost done. Hah! Kicks ass.
A smirk comes over my face that white tank-tops are labeled as 'wife-beaters.' What? That's not funny? Get real.
www.bumfights.com. You can ask yourself why would someone consider these videos amusing, but why bother speculating? It's fucking funny!
Transvestites & transsexuals = hilarious! Homosexuals are great gut-busters, too. I love finding out when gay men find me attractive. That shit makes me laugh.
Mexicans smelling like cabbage: awesome! One of the funniest things I've ever seen on TV happened in an episode of Arrested Development. 'Member when they drove that stair car down to Mexico and it got parked by a fence, then in the background while the actors were saying whatever, you saw all those spicks stepping up the stair car and using it to jump over the fence? Hilarious!
Clubbing baby seals = awesome.
Chinks have little dicks. Funny as hell! Full Metal Jacket, when the one dude was saying to the camera that it was his friend's birthday, then he lifted the hat off the dead gook. Awesome! Do I hate Asians? Absolutely not, but that was funny as shit.
Fucking a chick doggy style and her pussy farts for the first eight seconds. Heh, she can't see you laughing, but you know you are.
Priests molesting little boys: great! Michael Jackson: greater!
Here in Milwaukee there's a probation/parole office directly across the street from a Planned Parenthood, which are both located in the heart of
Latinoville, yet the waiting room for both institutions are constantly filled with screaming, whiny kids when you check in at both. That's fucked and the irony has to make you laugh.
What? Shocked that I said it and you only thought it? Fuck you.
You know what else I find funny? Retards. You know, Down Syndrome. Shit, it's fucking funny. Sure, you can all look at me awkwardly and tell me I'm an asshole for chuckling after I hear one of them talk, but ya know the horrible truth is, you do the exact damn thing, you just don't have the cajones to admit it.
Take a shit, get up to wipe and look down in the toilet and, what the fuck, your turd, for whatever reason is green. Funny!
I wanna come to your house dressed as a clown, but only after I know for a fact it will make your nine-year old cry. Why? Because it's funny!
Pedophilia. Funny as hell to me. I fucking love it! I love making jokes to women I work with about how daddy probably touched them and that's why they are wearing those four-inch, platform heels. I even love date-rape drug references because of what happens to women after they've been dosed. Hey, don't get mad at me. You were the dumbasses out and about town acting like a whore to begin with.
People who argue about Star Wars and Lord of the Rings plot lines not in sync, guess who's laughing at you?
Gas station gamblers. Those fuckers who scratch their ticket while you're standing behind them with both arms full of shit. Their tomorrow depends on that ticket, and that's fucking funny.
Disturbingly loud bass from a car coming down the street, rims spinning, come to find out as the car finally passes by you, the driver is a White guy. Holy shit, how fucking funny is that?
Dirty Sanchez and Cleveland steamers, funny! Hell, who the fuck hasn't farted under the covers with that bitch or wanted to paint her face?
The Holocaust . . . awesome! I certainly don't admire Hitler nor do I have a rebel flag hanging in my bedroom, but nonetheless, the shit is humorous. I also love Jewish stereotypes; how they have big noses and hide their money under the soap dish. Did Jesus really exist? Who knows, but the fact that Jews are blamed for this supposed person's death makes me laugh all on its own.
Whoever's on the cover of Cosmopolitan this month, fuck you, whore while I laugh at what you had to do to get on there.
Bloodhound Gang isn't really a preferred musical choice of mine, but they put out a song entitled "A Lapdance Is So Much Better When The Stripper Is Crying" so I'll remember them. And guess what? The song is funny.
Four voicemails from a broad's calls you've ignored, turned the cell off for 12 hours, then turn it back on and there's nine awaiting you. Hah! Holy shit, that's fucking funny.
Oprah Winfrey's own cable channel. Huhu!
I love fat chick jokes. I love fat chicks telling jokes. I love skinny chicks telling fat chick jokes while her friend is in the bathroom.
Old people cutting coupons. Fucking perfect! It's like, 'what are you gonna do, take the money with you when you die?'
Dave Chappelle . . . comic genius. Never get tired of watching Chappelle's Show. Never.
It's fan-fucking-tastic when ya cum on your girl's face but some nut gets in her eye, then she runs to the bathroom while complaining that it stings. Heh, we get to lie there on the bed and laugh while she's basically bitching to the running faucet in the bathroom. Yes!
I love having a job application in my pocket so when one of the street beggars asks me for money, I can reach in my pocket and hand that to him with a smile on my face.
Jay and Silent Bob standing outside an abortion clinic because they figured it was a good place to meet loose women---hilarious!
If you voted 'republican' the last two chances you had, you're probably laughing at yourself right about now. If not, you bet'cha I'm laughing at ya.
I love seeing a homosexual in leather shorts with chaps on. If he has a thick mustache, even funnier! Shit, if I actually cared about a gay parade happening in my city and knew one was about to happen, I would totally go to the pet store and buy a cardboard box full of gerbils and go the parade just to hand them out. And ya know what? I'd be drunk as hell and laugh my fucking ass off.
Bible thumpers. Just those two words combined make me smile.
I love
TomCruiseisnuts.com because just the fact that site exists is fucking funny.
Insane Clown Posse should make Hallmark cards. Now that would bust people's stitches.
When an opponent of mine has his horse piece on some fake property, then the roll of the dice lands my car piece on the same square, that's pretty much the only time in life I will ever double park: on the Monopoly board, yet Blacks and Mexicans think it's no big thing as they impede my treks to work while they're stationed in the middle of the fucking street without having their goddamn hazards on. Fuck! It pisses me off every fucking night, but right now it's funny.
Working as tech support for an ISP and dealing with morons who have just taken their computer out of the box; the exact computer that the guy at Best Buy said was the best . . . Oh my god. Hah!
I wanna stuff a Hot Pocket in a bulimic's fucking mouth until she chokes. Why? Because it would be funny as shit!
America is the greatest country on Earth? I think not. Canada automatically wins because their citizens have free health care, and of course, Trailer Park Boys! I piss myself laughing at this show all the time and it's a damn shame we here in America are spoon-fed such recycled crap on television and no network will pick this show up. Doesn't matter. Buy the DVDs, anyway.
www.thebestpageintheuniverse.com Maddox has nurtured a site that I and D- find both hilarious and influential. If you're not laughing here, you will there.
Hair pieces and hair lips and broads with hair above their lips, funny shit.
Miss America pageant, prom queens, hope chests and mood rings . . . bitch, please.
How about overweight women who ride the motorized cart at the grocery store? It's not that they can't walk, it's just that they're such a fat glob of lazy shit. We all know this, and isn't it funny? If she puts a couple cans of Spam in the basket attached to the cart, that's the punch line, baby!
Someone who has mild Turrets Syndrome who's contracted VD while in a drunken stupor admits that she likes the music you play for her, and you seem like a swell guy, so maybe you'd like to go out sometime. Heh. Oh dear Lord.
Shit-nail---ya know, when you finger her in the ass expecting no repercussions, but you pull your finger out and it's imbedded underneath. Then you show her your finger and she hides her head under the pillow for 30 seconds due to the embarrassment. Yea, that's great amusement. Hah. I fucking love it!
Even everyone who went down with the Titanic in a panic. Guess who's laughing?
I fucking love it all. Shit, man . . . whatever it takes to distract my time on this planet before I feel that sharp pain shooting down my left arm and that goddamn heart attack finally happens. Laugh it up, man. Wherever and whenever you can find smiles in life, take 'em.
Z.
E-mail:embittered@catharticlament.com
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