This one is gonna be long and unforgivable, so to start on a happy note, let's say we're in fantasy land.
Yea, fantasy. Say you're at the age of forty, and say there was a genie who came out the bottle then offered you ten years of wealth, which ramified people all over would praising you as king. You would be famous simply because of your money, and with that money, it brought power. We won't even put a dollar sign on this scenario; we'll just say that you have everything you could possibly ever need that money can buy, plus banks froth at the attempt just to put what you have left over in their house.
That's your choice number 1: living lavishly for ten years, but once the clock struck midnight at the end of those ten years, you would positively die. You couldn't buy your way out of death with money or items or gifts or donations in any amount. You already have the death certificate in your hand and it says you're going to die in exactly ten years from right now, but, you'd still live sumptuously during that time. Awesome! You die at the age of fifty, but you're Hugh Hefner and Bill Gates combined during those 10 years.
But, the genie gives you another option. You can live in poverty. Strictly poverty. Yea, maybe you'll have to work on the farm, shine some shoes and such; however, you are guaranteed 20 years on your life instead of the ten. Sure, your life is littered with bologna and cereal to eat, and sure, you usually have to put a stick and rock together to entertain yourself unless you get invited over to someone's house. But nonetheless, you'll live for 20 years, practically in destitution.
Now . . . which one would you take?
If you picked the ten year program, you're a sellout and bow to a manmade item such as currency. You suck, and not just because Jew blood has entered your bloodstream whether it from your parents or sexual relations, but you also suck because you've been taught by an empty-headed, avaricious swine of a human who thought money made him/her what they were and they wanted to shape you into them.
If you picked the ten year program, you likely advocate war and don't see anything wrong sending your neighbor's son to a different rock on this world so they can risk their life for your preferred candidate's bullshit.
If you picked the ten year program, you buy Micro$oft applications, drink Starbucks, and give money to your relatives on holidays instead of putting forth the effort to pick for them a gift they might put sentimental value in.
If you picked the ten year program, you have insurance on your car, your life, your bank account, your investments, and your children. You could, quite possibly, have a piece of art that has insurance all on its own.
If you picked the ten year program, you're the one who shows up at the funeral and is the first one to ask where the hors d'oeuvres /drinks are even before claiming to a cohort of people that you taught the deceased everything they know (knew.)
If you picked the ten year program, your children only listen to you because of fear.
If you picked the ten year program, you've fired an employee because he/she always seemed late getting back from a lunch break, when during that time he/she was likely spending that extra time tying up loose ends in their hectic lives, likely trying to accomplish something that would free you up to play more golf.
If you picked the ten year program, you donate to charity but want some recognition for doing so just for the simple fact that's a few more people who think you're a saint, but those who come in contact with you daily know the actual truth.
If you picked the ten year program, you cheat on your wife even after telling your God and two-hundred people on a Sunday afternoon that you posses morals, when really you and He don't agree on any fucking day, much more so the one when all the stores close at 5:pm.
HOWEVER, if you picked option number two, you're correct, because ultimately none of us know what's going to happen after we die, therefore people should yearn for every breathing/waking moment they can nab before their heart explodes, which all brings me to my point:
RELIGION ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE AFRAID TO DIE.
The afterlife: we can only speculate and base our theories on what others have taught us while at the same time throw some of our own common sense into the equation, but mostly we're all supposed to base our opinion on what has been taught by living beings who have since passed . . . And let me tell ya, what our forefathers have come up with isn't anything masterminded.
Hinduism
The basis of Hinduism is the belief in the unity of everything. Hindus believe the purpose of life is to accept we are all part of God and by doing so we can all leave this cycle of existence and rejoin with The Man upstairs, all holding hands under some golden sun. The path one takes to reach the Pearly Gates has a lot to do with being reborn after you've fucked up royally in life (second chances.) As well it has a lot to do with karma, so for all you people who fuck people over on a daily basis, it's best to move onto a different belief because Hinduism isn't going to do you jack shit.
Selfless acts and thoughts as well as devotion to God help one to be reborn at a higher level, but the polarity of that is bad acts will cause one to be born again at a lower level . . . or in the worst of cases, even an animal, so if you thought you were going to come back as a butterfly or a bird and fly around rainbows for eternity, think again, mother fucker, because you're likely going to be slaughtered, carved up and served with eggs just like the porcine you are.
Furthermore, one has to assume Hindus will be made examples of because certain people on this planet will always have a use for glorified rats referenced as guineas.
Judaism
Apparently King Solomon built the first temple in Jerusalem (quite the constriction worker back then considering he didn't have a fucking dump truck or a jointer.) Well, much like how the wolf huffed and puffed and blew Red Riding Hood's house down, the temple was supposedly destroyed and the Jews were scattered throughout the world until 1948 when Israel was created. The main suspicious part thus far in this tale is that the Dead Sea (which apparently has no living creature in it) is still used for bathing, urinating, and shitting in. Also, your latest cosmetic infomercial might reference that they've drawn water from the Dead Sea to make their product to sell you, thus you are not only beautifying yourself with the purest of waters, but also at the same time soaking the Lord into your skin---kinda like eating the dry wafer at church without having to get up on time. Ahh, yes. Opportunism at its finest.
Jews believe in one creator alone to be worshipped as absolute ruler of the universe. Seems He monitors people's activities and rewards good deeds and punishes evil, so if nothing else, Judaism is currently working wonders with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan right now even though it doesn't know what the fuck to do with The Middle East, Sprint Wireless, or telemarketers.
Jews also believe they are God's chosen people and that the Messiah will arrive in the future then gather them into Israel like a gaggle of geese and there will be a general resurrection of the dead, whereafter the Jerusalem Temple that was once destroyed will be rebuilt presumably so they don't all have to keep moving to New York to play virtual craps.
You know, that crap game all the Jews play on a street.
If I'm not mistaken, I think the street is called Wall, actually.
Wicca
Umm . . .yea. We don't even need an explanation here. Quotes will do sufficiently.
"We are not evil. We don't harm or seduce people. We are not dangerous. We are ordinary people like you. We have families, jobs, hopes, and dreams. We are not a cult. This religion is not a joke. We are not what you think we are from looking at T.V. We are real. We laugh, we cry. We are serious. We have a sense of humor. You don't have to be afraid of us. We don't want to convert you. And please don't try to convert us. Just give us the same right we give you--to live in peace. We are much more similar to you than you think." - Margot Adler
Sounds reasonable, hey? Yeah, I thought so, too . . . Until . . .
"I don't think witchcraft is a religion. I would hope the military officials would take a second look at the decision they made." G.W. Bush.
Shinto
Shinto is an ancient Japanese religion closely tied to nature that recognizes the existence of various nature deities, awkwardly enough, none of which are a dragon, tiger, panda bear, or a Pokémon figure. Followers of Shinto desire peace and believe all human life is sacred unless there's a sword in the general vicinity.
Now, I can't confirm this anywhere, but I believe martial arts exists because Asians at one time needed to partake in a physical activity such as judo and karate since they really couldn't fuck often considering the unfortunate and borderline humiliating size of their penises, therefore they really can't fuck for sport. The population spurts overseas would tell you differently, but really, Asians look at a chimpanzee's cock with envy.
There are "Four Affirmations" in Shinto:
Tradition and family. The family is the main mechanism by which traditions are preserved, and this can almost be verified by anyone because . . . well shit, if you've seen an Asian woman at the welfare line or in a grocery with three kids crying, you let me know, because there's always the Asian guy and the Asian girl with the one kid and no more.
Love of nature. Nature is sacred and natural objects are to be worshipped as sacred spirits, which makes me wonder if yoga isn't just some bullshit picked up from people watching other people tired of sitting on their asses for 12 hours a day in front of a statue and having to rearrange themselves as to stretch. America then adopts "Pilates" and claims it's "better" for you, assumingly so you all will buy more videos because common sense escapes you. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm leaning towards 89-93% if you buy into this, you're a fucking imbecile even though I could find no statistics to back my theory up percentage-wise.
Physical cleanliness. Believers of Shinto must take baths daily, wash their hands every 3-6 hours, and rinse their mouths often, especially after she is shooting the "all holes filled" scene where the director abruptly and unhappily yells "Cut! Cut! CUT! Son of a bitch. Get the fluffer in here. Goddammit! I told that asshole to tell her to use the enema and moan in English. There's rice-shit everywhere! Oh, what the fuck, where's the Goddamn interpreter? Mother fuck! I can't film this bitch if the movie is called *Saké *Bukkake and there's shit all over the place and my actors haven't even pissed on her yet! Where the fuck is my fluffer!? Get your ass in here! People, people, get your shit together and someone please get this girl up off the sheet so we change it. Time is money, people. Time is money! Oh what the mother fucking hell; I didn't go to film school for this bullshit! Will someone please get her off the fucking bed so we can change the sheets! This shit is completely unacceptable. This is the worst fucking nightmare of my life and I knew we should've got a fucking Korean . . . "
(*Saké: a Japanese fermented, mildly alcoholic beverage made from rice.)
(*Bukkake is the noun form of the Japanese verb bukkakeru, or to dash water and means to simply "splash" or "dash.") In America, if you download a lot of porn, surely you know by now that it means to piss all over somebody (yay!) and not necessarily to cum on them.
Anyway, the fourth affirmation of Shinto is:
Matsuri: a festival to honor the spirits, which we all know will never come, but if they did, no one would be surprised. Or to be more specific, no one would look surprised if the spirits came because . . . let's be real; those eyes can't get really open much further to display shock.
Jainism
The founder of the Jain community lived in East India and attained enlightenment after 13 years of deprivation and committed the act of fasting to death. Jainism has many similarities to Hinduism and Buddhism that developed in the same part of the world, which all pretty much believe in karma and reincarnation, but Jains believe that enlightenment and liberation from this cycle can only be achieved through asceticism, which is basically the complete opposite of hedonism--- sounds like a great idea in theory considering all the lazy, fat-asses who don't work in this country.
Jains follow fruititarianism (vegan) so it's awkward that some hippie has never used that word to me thus far in life. What's even more interesting is that Jains practice non-violence because they believe any act of violent behavior against a living thing creates negative karma which will adversely affect their afterlife; therefore I think we can all agree that Jainism should be taught in every urban elementary school across the nation. Sure, this will put many future probation/parole officers out of work in twenty years; however you and I will be able to walk into a club in ten and not have to worry about being shot or robbed.
Plus, if Jainism were taught in every elementary school across the nation, strippers would just get on the pole, collect dollars and go home. They wouldn't get on the pole, collect dollars, go home and beat the shit out of random people whilst on coke or all that liquid that gave them the courage to start shit in the first place.
If you're a club owner, you might wanna consider throwing Jainism in at the end of their initial audition. Maybe like a ten-minute video, or something, if for nothing else than to prevent catfights in the dressing room . . . Just a thought.
Christianity
Christianity started out as an independent form of Judaism nearly 2000 years ago. Even a few hundred years ago they were called Amish, but now we've evolved to the point where we don't even have to vociferate nomenclatures for Christianity . . . we now just think, "dumbass."
Aside from being fine as hell, Sarah Silverman eloquently said, "Jesus is magic!" And how awesome is that? Don't know who she is? Doesn't matter, but if you do, you know she'd love this one . . .
Jesus H. Christ (the son of the Virgin Mary and her husband Joseph) was apparently conceived while Mary was on the ultra-fabulous, totally awesome method of birth control called abstinence, which has yet to be approved by the FDA or practiced by Mexicans on or off USA soil.
Much like whole kernels of corn coming out your ass in their original form, magic happened in the figure of the Holy Spirit, who was bothered by some of the practices within his native Jewish faith and began preaching a different message of God, which is understandable since he was Jesus. I mean . . . shit, man. Santa has the reindeer, the tooth fairy has wings and Jesus is infallible. Indeed, you should see the X-ian light because it is oh-so bright. (Sarcasm at its finest, dummies.)
Jesus performed many miracles during his time and connected many of his teachings in the form of parables. Among his best known sayings are "love thy neighbor," which apparently means put your penis into the 14-year old girl down the block, and "turn the other cheek," which suggests not to let your co-workers see what side of your face your pimp/man/boyfriend/husband/deejay smacked you on.
Sir Jesus H. revealed he was the Son of God sent to Earth to save humanity from everyone's sins; proving so by being crucified on the cross while during the whole time remaining omnipotent. Master Christ then rose from the dead and appeared to his disciples and told them to go forth and spread his message . . . much like how L. Ron Hubbard seemingly used osmosis to talk with Tom Cruise and how that dirty canine communicated with the Son of Sam.
Hey, I don't want to reveal too much, but let's just say that Jesus can do wondrous things after 21 centuries; mysteriously similar to that of the book/movie "Pet Semetery" only without the slicing of Fred Munster's Achilles tendon. I guess every inanimate object in Maine talks to Stephen King except a statue of the Lord, when He's the one who's supposed to rise from the grave and start taking over. (Or is he supposed to come from above? I don't know.)
All Christians believe in heaven and that those who sincerely repent their sins before God will be saved and join Him in heaven no matter how badly they fuck up in mortal form. As expected, Christianity is the ideal religion to embrace if you ever find yourself on death row, have cancer, or have plowed another man's ass with your cock then gotten the HIV, which turned into AIDS because you just didn't have the money Magic Johnson and Tommy Morrison has. (Too bad this
technology didn't exist two decades ago, because I'm sure Freddy Mercury could have tortured us with more horrible music while eating more hard pipe.)
There are multitudes of Christianity which have developed either because of disagreements or contemporary dogma. Basically the theories all depend on whoever found someone else's writings over a thousand years ago, read them and then decided the story could have had a more comfortable ending, so that guy's children could add to it some more, then their sons could change it yet again, and again, and again, and yet some more faggots added to this story (which is likely the time Santa came into play) until finally a woman got a hold of the dirty diary and added the fairytale ending.
How sweet. More so how convenient, but really . . . how sweet. Quite the gesture, thanks, baby!
The only thing you really have to remember is that if guppies and minnows could choose a religion, they would pick Christianity because if they had the brain capacity to make distinctions, then surely they could form retarded opinions just like moronic people. . . and then surely they'd acknowledge the fact they will reach a certain age knowing they're fucked so it's best to join the herd, cross your fingers and hope for the best.
In addition, we could call the Catholic Church a contributory denomination of Christianity that also crosses their fingers as well . . . yea, crosses them inside a boy who just last week couldn't get on the roller coaster at Six Flags because he didn't meet the minimum height requirement. It's never been publicized, but the Catholic Church now feels that Cub Scout badges should only be given out to those young boys who show their true loyalty by not speaking to anyone about summer camp. (Is it bad that the
drama "Primal Fear" has now turned into a
comedy ten years after it's been made?) Despite the stereotype, Catholics aren't strictly focusing on pre-teen boys, either. Check out this reenactment I've created just by walking past a strip mall.
'Course, least we forget the poster boy for the Baptist Church who just died. Boo fucking hoo.
Islam
Islam was founded by Muhammad the Prophet, in Makkah (also spelled Mecca.)
Muslims believe in one creator who is omnipotent and strict, yet at the same time merciful (how timely, eh?) They might not believe in heavy metal, but do accept as true that Satan exists and drives people to sin, and you fo shizzle will spend your afterlife in Hell if you disrespect Allah . . . And that's on the real.
(Moment of silence)
(Seriously. Shut the fuck up, pick up your Koran and praise Allah.)
(Hey, man. I ain't fucking kidding. Even Everlast claimed a Black Jesus, and if Whitey Ford said so, even during his heart condition, he trudged through, so you can too.)
Yea . . . So anyway . . .
The Nation of Islam believes one should abstain from alcohol/drugs, homosexuality and gambling should be avoided unless it's 4:00 a.m. and the first of the month is tomorrow. They claim to reject racism yet frown of Caucasians wearing beads and kneeling on mats, and at the same light of day, respect the earlier prophets, Abraham, Moses, and Jesus, but regard the concept of Jesus as blasphemous and do not believe that he was, in fact, executed on the cross, but presumably during a drive-by.
Muslims dabble in all sorts of wacky stuff. They view the portrait of the Last Supper as creative writing because a man of color was not depicted. Sources close to me say that Muslims fast during the month of Ramadan (the month that Muhammad received the Qur'an (Koran) from Allah.) Yes, they starve themselves . . . unless, of course, Popeye's is running their 'Family Meal' ad for the month with the walk-in coupon, then suddenly religion takes a backseat to "necessity."
Coincidently, Muslim is also a convenient religion to pick up on if you ever find yourself in prison/death row/crack house with no hope in sight. It's also convenient to switch Muslim if the world recognizes you as a fucking moronic millionaire who rapes and eats people's ears . . . but those people are so few and far between.
Douche bag celebrities fucking up worse than I could ever imagine, they go into rehab, come out and say, "Oops, I fucked up. I'm doing well now. I just had faith in myself and God did the rest."
Heh, I love how God finds everyone once others around that person know they've hit rock bottom, whether it be a celebrity or someone you know from jail, rehab, or the bar you work in or the last bar you were in.
It's all God, God, God, God, God once they've fucked up so badly, no one personally will truly forgive them for being the asshole they were . . . except God. He will always accept, eh?
No shit. Check the credits at the end of the next movie you watch. Someone will thank God.
Check the insert of the last CD you actually bought. All fucking four of those shit-dicks will thank God at the end of their boring paragraph, but they have no idea what the fuck they are thanking other than a social idea of some invisible entity.
Shit, man, go ahead and thank God on camera or on published paper if you want, and I'll go into the darkest corner of my closet and thank a Leprechaun, and at the end of both of our sentences, nothing will change or have been accomplished.
This so-called God has become quite the scapegoat for the masses and I'm fucking tired of hearing it. In fact, all of it seems convenient. More so, it all seems like contrived bullshit to be real honest.
I mean, we got the White man coming at us saying Jesus died for us and you can be extra-specially saved from Hell if you call their 900 number. Got the Black man coming at us preaching supernatural faith considering the religion is basically stereotyped as a terrorist, but that shouldn't stray you away from putting money in the basket. Then we got Asian people trying to make us believe in spirits, lighting little smoke fires in honor of their eternal life for a small fee.
I mean, here it is in my nutshell: lick my balls!
I'm never going to a building you label a church/house of God because some masons several years ago titled it that.
I'm never giving you my money because it will supposedly make me feel that the more I give, the further away I will be from sin. How money became equated with religion is blasphemy in itself. Currency (as we know it today being supplied by government) is a manmade item that's not nearly 1000 years old, yet religion, no matter what denomination, seems to have semi-universally kicked off roughly 2007 years ago, and this particular football game is in so much overtime.
Do the fucking math, you nitwits. You can't combine the two, expecially now that the Lord suddenly needs people's money within the past 90 years (coincidently around the time of television's inception . . . hmmm.)
Fuck money. Fuck your religion because it's all crap.
