I can only imagine the demographic we attract here at the ol' CLDC is mostly men, with possibly some women who can't find anything or anyone to be pissed off at on select days so they stop by here just so they have someone to at least E-mail and tell they're wrong (me,) but I'd like to focus upon you guys for a moment. In particular, men out there who, if you're like me, just don't date Christians, females in the Peace Corps, or hoity-toity prissy twats who wear their sphincter like a necklace since their heads are lodged so far up their fucking assholes.
Now, I don't consider myself a scumbag and neither should you if you live your daily life while walking some sort of moral line. Maybe you work in strip clubs like me, or maybe you're a construction worker who for the past decade has only been able to nail waitress and barflys at the local watering hole because for some reason, much like me, your expectations of women are submerged somewhere in the worst algae-infested bathroom in the Titanic and there's really no hope in near sight, however, similar to Lindsay Lohan's career, luck just fucking happens and no one can explain how . . . and your luck is a goodie girl who you now have to teach cock etiquette to, which is a grueling process when you're accustomed to sticking it in 120lbs of human, stripper swine who knew how to milk a bone like Puerto Ricans know cutlery.
Just to get it out of the way in respect to your goodie girl, congratulations!
Your girl isn't a whore, yay.
Relish the moment, sir, no matter the pain in trying to teach the octaves for her to hum upon your skin flute. Younger the dumber and the dumber the better, I say; just don't grow frustrated of her retardation while trying to marinate your sausage because she might just be a keeper.
Say you start dating a bank teller or a daycare worker and you just don't know how the hell to deal with her because she's NOT fucked up. Ya know, she's not bipolar, doesn't have any chemical addictions, and if she has a kid, the father doesn't hate mommy's guts because despite the differences those two had that finished their marriage, she's still not acting like a total cunt. See but after years and years of dealing with septic personalities, foul tempers and believable lies, you just might not know what to do with an honest to God, good girl. Believe me, I know, man. Every ex-girlfriend of mine has been nothing but a bucket of tarter sauce for me to stick my fish stick into, but then this seraph comes along and you want a borough of holy water just to rinse yourself clean in because of the grime your last 7 harlots have imbedded into your mind state and bloodstream.
Well I recommend we START embracing women who aren't neurotic, lying cum toilets and STOP trying to think we can fix the infected with chivalry. Christ, I've played Captain Save-A-Ho quite a few times and all it's really gotten me is a few loads out of my dick and some county time after I had to slap those crazy bitches. Yes, embrace the goodies and try not to become bored, because with dating these goodies---seems to me---the lamer they are in bed, which is unfortunate.
Maybe your ex-stripper girlfriends, corner-bartender hags, or gothic, kinky fetish skanks liked their hair pulled, to be spit on, slapped, loads dropped on their faces, asshole pleasures, or borderline daddy renditions, but now you're dating the bank teller and she's raising her eyes at sex that's outside of missionary, which is highly unfortunate because sweet, little Suzy here just isn't going to fulfill what a pig you've turned into due to the harpies you've shared everything but fecal finger-painting sessions with.
Well, I came with some ways to make your good girl into the pig you need her to be. I mean, you're corrupting her, yea, but for your sake, you're really fixing her. Flip that conscientious Mickey-Mouse Club member so her next boyfriend will be the beneficiary of your perverseness and make it rain from her cervix all the way up to her tonsils by doing the following in no particular order:
1. Have her suck your toes.
When to break her in: 3-5 weeks.
Now, there is nothing sexy about a man's feet. In fact, there's nothing sexy about a man and I have no idea how women rub bodies with us for twenty minutes at a crack, but I suppose this curiosity derives from my own fear and disgust of homosexuals; it's so powerful that I think even I'm not attractive. But sticking with feet, ya know, about 4 years ago I had a stripper bitch who put my big toe in her mouth and now I can never go back. If a chick's never licked your feet and sucked your toes, man, it's great, especially while you're masturbating in front of her.
Ya know, chicks have cute toes and they're able to adorn them with nail polish and such. They seem to never have corns or calluses or fuzzy lint from socks, so it's easy to suck on their toes because they're usually perfect, but us men just aren't that lucky so it's best to get your goodie to do this after complacency has set into the relationship. Keep telling her how sexy her feet are and slob on them every couple days so she'll eventually and hopefully start feeling beholden. If she hasn't developed a foot fetish with you in a few weeks, start dropping blatant hints like:
"Baby, doesn't it feel good when I do it to you?"
"I don't think you appreciate my body as much as I do yours."
Guilt-trips are second-nature to women, so why not throw the fuckin' ball in their court for once? Spit a great euphemism or be completely honest . . .
"I just got out the shower, sweetheart, so suck my toes and be glad I'm not closing my eyes and thinking about someone else when you do it. You're the one, baby. Nicest girl I've met since I paid my last cell bill and I'm keeping you forever . . . or until the meteorologist predicts scattered showers, whichever comes first, baby: rain or eternity."
2. Abnormal porn.
When to break her in: 3 weeks.
Now, when I say "abnormal" I don't mean donkey sex or a Volkswagen full of midgets switch-hitting the 400lb woman's seven different cracks in a 'Devil In Mrs. Jones' setting. It's just some goddamn porn, baby, so shut the fuck up about it. Maybe we need something to focus upon as you attempt to figure out what to do with our penises in your mouths.
Christ, I swear, you try to get these goodies to watch some double-penetration scenes and they act like they're back in Driver's Ed, soaking in the macabre images from car wrecks in the '60s.
"Eeeeewwww. Gross!"
"Sick. Oh my Gawd. Turn it off! I can't watch this!"
And all the while you're like, "Baby, chill out. I mean, that chick on TV kinda looks like your mom, so what the hell?"
In the end, these chicks won't even watch porn no matter the storyline. Best to hint every now and then that you've only HEARD about watching professionals ball-slap whores on the screen and that you feel bad for even bringing it up to her in the first place.
Thought you were gonna use that porn as a training video???? Shit, you're fucked with the cheerleader you're dating. Bet that chick won't eat sushi and doesn't know what a three-teamer is, either.
3. A finger up the ass goes a long way.
When to break her in: 6-7 weeks.
Your goodie isn't an alcoholic or narcotic abuser, so busting that first spring into her ass is like escaping Alcatraz with a straightjacket on. Truth is, I've never gotten much up a goodie's ass, but logic tells me that their assholes aren't any tighter than a hookers or a strippers, so it must be a prissy-bitch kinda thing to deny you entry. Maybe ignore her calls for 3 days then let her come over high or drunk and have her get on top when you fuck her, spit on your middle finger and try to make it seem sensual as you force a ligament into a place she has a hard time even acknowledging. Seriously, goodies have great difficulty admitting they own a butthole and I just don't understand what there is to be so ashamed about.
Strippers will take a gassy shit while you're brushing your teeth, shaving your nuts, or folding towels, but goodies make you leave the bathroom even when they get a minor tickle of upcoming poopy ass. They always seem to notice if there's enough toilet paper before they sit down, too, at which point you're asked if you can bring her some, but when you do and think you're about to see her shit, she hasn't done much but squirt some pee into the bowl like the kitten she is.
What can I say? A goodie's ass is practically nonexistent in the bathroom and the bedroom, so hopefully she'll at least let you lick it as to give a ray of hope that one day she'll be biting the pillow.
4. Give her a rim job.
When to break her in: 15 days.
Your goodie probably doesn't even know what a rimmer is. We can also safely assume that she's never dated a pig like you or I before as well, so her last 2 yuppie boyfriends probably had a hard time going down on the girl, much more so licking her ass, so save this for about the two week point. She'll squirm and kinda freak-out once she feels it, but tell her not to worry and just relax. 39 seconds later after you've convinced her to shut the hell up you'll finally get your tongue back on her asshole and now she'll start seeing the light. Funny thing is, about a week later you'll talk to her about it and she'll admit that now she likes it.
Imagine that, simple bitch.
5. Camcorder and tripod.
When to break her in: 2 months.
Ya, I hate to be redundant, but it's really important to back-up your sex with any chick just for the simple fact that one day she's not gonna be there. I mean, I only have 4 backed up, so I feel that I learned this a little late because the best sex of my life happened roughly 7 years ago, and it was after her that I learned this one the hard way, because there is no way in hell that broad is ever talking to me again and I will likely never get sucked and fucked like that again---shame. Learn from my mistakes.
Tell your goodie some lame shit like, "Baby, I just want some videos of us for when I'm not with you. I miss you when you're at work and sometimes I jerk-off to porn, so I'd just rather it be our porn I crank it to."
She'll buy that line, believe me. She'll be so enveloped in the thought of you wanting her when she's away from you that the home video will almost seem special.
Even when your goodie asks you, "Have you ever done this before." Lie to her. Absolutely. The fact that you have the camcorder and tripod in your possession when she asks this means she deserves to be lied to anyway, on top of the fact that it's none of her fucking business. I mean, seriously, a few of my last stripper fuck toys had asked if I'd ever video-taped sex before, and it was like . . . "Well, duh! I don't have this equipment here to do birthday parties and weddings." And it would seem the goodies just aren't that much brighter than the cock-grinders.
Dodo birds.
6. A basic, run-of-the-mill blow job.
When to break her in: 6 days.
Ya know, a chick sucking your dick for ten minutes and making you cum shouldn't be that big of a chore. Now, I might have had bad luck with strippers and goodies alike the last few years, but I'm thinking women nowadays can't give a good blow-job no matter how they were raised. Even when you sit their asses in front of a Jenna Haze porno as if it were Painting-by-Numbers time, they just can't learn anymore apparently. It's aggravating, because there's two ways to look at your girlfriend not being able to suck your dick correctly.
If she's completely horrible at it, not knowing the proper pace, suction, lubricated hand assistance, and she has no idea she's scathing you, then it's like, "Well, at least my girl's not a cocksucking whore, so statistically her pussy should as well be that further from a sperm bank depository used by men whom she doesn't know the last name of."
But then if your girl is amazing at sucking dick and pulls down your drawers, gets your dick hard, sucks it and makes you cum within 5 minutes, after your smile wears off, you start wondering, "Jesus, I feel like I'm at the deli without a ticket in my hand because of the expert approach they're using to serve meat around here."
And on the whole 'swallowing' thing, they're all lying when they say they don't or won't. Whores and goodies alike, if she doesn't swallow your load after she eventually figures out how to actually get it, you're just not that interesting of a person, dude.