For a living the past 9 years, I've been a deejay at a strip club somewhere in the shit-hole Milwaukee area. I don't use compact discs anymore because if you're smart, you stopped paying for music roughly around the same time Bill Clinton basically admitted to the country that oral sex shouldn't be considered cheating.
I have a portable computer and use a program called BPM Studio that works magnificently. Now, on my laptop's hard drive, I have roughly 22,000 songs to choose from for the stripper's two-song set, so you would think with such options these chicks would like to mix it up a bit or hear something new . . . Yes, one would think, but that just isn't reality when dealing with those vacant in the head so we're all forced to hear the same songs over and over and over for weeks, months, which turns into years where then one tries to refrain from going postal because of auditory redundancy.
Hearing these songs is like having a wife who's not terribly important to you, and on top of you not caring if she ever sees the sun again, she nags at you daily about some ridiculous shit too irrelevant to mention. For years and years!
Even if you don't work in strip clubs, you'll know most of these songs, but if you do work in one, I'm betting whenever you hear the following tunes you inadvertently look up at the deejay and think, "Jesus Christ, pick something new, you worthless asshole."
It's not our fault! The chick on stage is just stupid!
15. Lords of Acid - I Sit On Acid (remix)
"Darling, come here; fuck me up the a . . ."
This is one of those played-out techno songs for 37-year-old dancers who like to remember what it was like on the pole 10 years back, ya know, back when they had a body and a face that didn't look like they were asking you for a ticket at the fucking airport. Whoever requests this song is likely close to being a grandmother if they're not already. They likely have a daughter coming up at a club in your town and probably still wash their vegetables.
"Sit on your face . . . I wanna sit on your face."
Ya, baby . . . we're all wishing that! Let's just pretend you're still luring us in.
Bottom line: If you were wiping your own ass when Lennon was shot, stop requesting music.
14. Nine Inch Nails - Closer
Yawn.
Lately this song is only tolerable if you play the Static-X remix . . . and when I say 'lately' I mean the last 7 years. I hate to suggest turning on the radio, but Jesus . . . do something new, you unimaginative twats.
Inside the club, you'll hear 2-4 guys in the crowd cheer when the beat hits their ear, and those fractions of a minute give that broad on the pole some temporary self-esteem . . . until the dj talks again. There I go, turn the page.
13. K's Choice - Not an Addict
"Baby, that's a lie."
Chicks love this song to dance to because I suppose in their bird brains it gives an audile suggestion of their cleanliness while they're up on stage lying to everyone from the customers to the fuckin' bar-back that they haven't snorted cocaine, shot heroin, or sucked Black cock for Vicodin atop of trying to find someplace to crash on those fine, fine evenings. The fucked up part about this song is that every stripper who has ever requested it is part of the 135,356/141,896 who have smoked crack in front of a co-worker.
Ladies, I want you all to put your two index fingers up to your temples, ya know, on the sides of your head. Now keep your fingers there, go find a mirror and repeat after me as you look at your reflection, "No matter where you go, no matter where you hide, you'll always wind up here."
Life's a bitch, baby. Deal with it.
12. Marilyn Manson - The Beautiful People
Shit, for you 'rockers' I guess it's the pretty persons or human cadavers strike the opposite of a fucking ceiling. Hanging onto this song is like a fox gnawing off its back paw just so it can escape. Manson has done so much greater than this '96 MTV hit, but NOOOOOOO! You don't want those, do ya!?!?! Let's play this one into the ground because you're making a statement while dancing to this one, hey? Yeah, the statement is, "I haven't kept up with much rock lately in my life because there are other bars out there I spend my time at . . . and I hear this song almost every night at those places so I'll come to work and dance to this as if I'm breaking new ground."
You're such leaders . . . choke.
11. A Perfect Circle - Judith
Well, it's either this one or Tool's "Sober" that makes strippers think they're separated from the shit-bags I just mentioned. A few of you have evolved to "Counting Bodies Like Sheep," but not many. What ever happened to 46&2?
I suspect even Maynard is unhappy with you solely using only 2 of his offerings. Broaden . . . broad.
10. T-pain - In Love With a Stripper
Doesn't this one just make 'em feel special while in the spotlight, eh? 3:57 seconds of 'fame' for the bitch at your club turns into a little under 4 minutes of torture for everyone else who would rather jam Pop Rocks up their pisshole instead of hearing this anthem for the mildly retarded ever again.
Don't, bitches. Similar to your last two abortions, don't ever bring this up again.
Black strippers stopped dancing to this song in the summer of '07 because it was played-out, and remember we're talking about women who think getting their GED is an achievement in life, so where do you stand?
"I've had crabs, I've had lice. I've had the clap and that ain't nice. So what! So what! . . . I fucked this, I fucked that. I've even fucked a school-girl's twat. So what! So what!" (Sorry. Had to throw that in right here for medicinal purposes to keep my aneurism at bay.) FUCK R&B! So fucking what.
09. Rammstein - Du Hast
Fine. You like (or think you like) the ambiguity of the lyrics, but really you're still hanging onto an absent memory of yourselves. Like The Crystal Method said, I think you were born a little too slow.
The English version; unbeknownst to strippers, the singer sings, "you hate."
Uhh . . . yes. We hate you. No need to advertise or feel that your own self-loathing isn't sufficient.
08. Sneaker Pimps - Spin Spin Sugar (remix)
"Spin, spin, hooker," is more like it. How this song captivated the gaggle of strippers at your local strip joint, I have no idea. I still get requests for this song at least once every 3 weeks. It must be one of those fag-hag songs that keeps sticking around. Like Cher. Or acne. Or baby mammas. Herpes, even.
To Fleetwood's disdain, break the fuckin' chain, baby and let go.
07. Prodigy - Smack My Bitch Up
I don't mind this one when they request it. I'll even play it once a month just so I can hear it because listening to the lyrics with my headphones blasting is just like taking vitamins. Additionally, a few years ago the greatest blowjob of my life happened in the deejay booth during "Diesel Power" so maybe now I'm biased.
By the way . . . she did NOT have a tongue ring in, so you can kill that tale. Fat of the land, you are not.
06. Big & Rich - Save A Horse Ride A Cowboy
Why is it when every dipshit broad has a cowboy outfit on, this HAS to be one the songs she wants to hear during her public denuding? The song would make sense in Texas and such, but this ditty has now plagued us up here who have to deal with snow and live reasonably close to a respectable serial killer you've actually heard of. Shit. You're not cutting-edge while selling yourself on stage to this song. Wanna do something ground-breaking and make the world remember you, stripper??
Save a breath, ride a hearse.
05. Motley Crue - Girls, Girls, Girls
Any deejay who plays this song for a chick who requests it is a fag, but if you play this song out of your own volition, you have reached uber-fag status, which means you can take two cocks up your ass, two in your fists and still muster up a giggle to squeak past the shaft in your mouth.
Die with a eulogy that is only whispered in the halls and not in front of your corpse. Or die in a fire. Or die of blood cancer, I don't care.
Just die.
04. Buckcherry - Crazy Bitch
No matter the strip club you're in, once this ditty comes through the speakers, you'll see every drunk whore at the bar waving their hands or lip-syncing the lyrics as if they're proud to be used for sex and called psychotic. But, hey . . . God forbid you call them that in person.
Crazy bitch?
Sorry for stating the obvious . . . Let me come with something a little more euphemistical because I'm so sensitive to your needs.
"Baby, you're a female on this planet who isn't taking in Paxil, Prozac, or Lexipro on a daily basis, therefore I'm assuming your erratic behavior was left out of the instruction booklet your alien leaders should have left me with because I have no idea what you're talking about, so for God's sake get a glass of water and take this pill so in 12 hours I can then translate your version of English into mine because this one-on-one absolute sobriety shit ain't happening."
Trust; she fuckin' hates me . . . clubbing baby seals.
03. Garbage - Stupid Girl
Um . . . yea. That about sums it up. No comment.
02. Disturbed - Down With The Sickness
I'll admit when this song came out we were rocking in the pits, but now that strippers have gotten a hold of this tune, it's softened up a bit. I'm entirely sick of hearing broads request this song, but I'm doubly sickened of stripper bitches in the dj booth voicing their rendition: "ohh ah aaah, aahhha ahah," while it's playing for a co-worker of hers.
You're not David Dramen, whore, so stop perpin'. Your kids and parents have lost all hope in you; they just haven't told you yet. Kill yourselves. Or if nothing else, free Charles Manson. He'll sort shit out.
01 or .00001? R Kelly - Bump and Grind
Doesn't matter if you're a White, Black, Puerto Rican or Hitler's papergirl; strippers love this song to dance to. R. Kelly has created a song that strippers from Canada all the way to Scandinavia can all sway to while working a day, night, or after-hours shift and still feel confident that grinding cock = sexy money.
Now, R. Kelly has made maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaany shit-storms of songs we've all had to tolerate throughout the years, but "Bump and Grind" is one of the few ditties out there that makes everyone---except the bitch on the pole---envy the deaf and/or want to go deep-sea diving without an oxygen tank because then, and only then would the pain be over.
Thanks, golden-shower dick. I don't really care how many chicks Robert Kelly pisses and shits on; all of his music still sucks ass. "R&B" is such a horrible music genre to start with, but then to glorify a single asshole as the king of that ceaseless shit-volcano just seems pointless to me. It's like crowning the biggest carp in the Mississippi River for being the greatest shit-eater ever, ya know? Whoooptie-fuckin-do! You're prolifically spreading more bullshit across the world, congrats! Go ahead and make another love song that hits the top 40 so I can grind my teeth for another three months, asshole . . . I just hope the next one won't top the ol' "Bump and Grind."
It's fairly simple: an everlasting ride on an incinerating elevator surely has to have some 'elevator music.' Well, "Bump and Grind" plays for eternity during the entire ride---there; that's my definition of Hell.
01.002395551. Prince - Pussy Control
I love this shit. Every feature uses this song to open their set, and every in-house stripper thinks this is her theme song while shaking her ass to this poppy and apparently invigorating anthem for suicidal masochists who can pull off wearing a thong without making lonely men turn their heads. Every owner, security guard, deejay, and boycotting evangelist in the fuckin' parking lot knows what this song is.
Is it the worst song in the world? No. It's just sad that the lyrics in the song give the stripper on stage some confidence she's severely lacking when there are no black lights and no one watching. I got five on it that she probably cries while home alone, too. If you know this stripper personally, feed her to failure.
Honorable, played-out mentions that
DON'T piss me off while in the deejay booth:
AMG - Bitch Betta Have My Money
Rage - Killing in the Name Of
Gucci Mane - Pills
Type O Negative - Black No. 1
KoRn - A.D.I.D.A.S (the remix, of course.)
D4L - Scotty. (I don't give a fuck where you at, nigga. Get geeked up.)
Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar Man Juice On My Chest Because My Asshole Is Occupied At The Moment, Wanker.
AC/DC - Thanks For Supporting Us The Last 25 Years While We Played The Same Six Chords On Guitar Every Fuckin' Song . . . We Salute You!
Metallica - Hey!! Did You Pay For That? (Super-Hyper, Lars & Hetfield Underground Remix Only/Limited Edition, Hard Copy For Bikers In AA.)
. . . anything by Mushroomhead.
. . . anything by ICP/Zug Izland (Is "Hiroshima" the greatest song ever, or what!?!?!)
And this is
the end.
Last night a deejay saved your life?