I try to stay away from celebrity bullshit as much as I can. I mean, outside of gay commercials, it's a definite benefit of not having television in my house: that many less douche-bags I have to listen to.
It's hard to stay away from Britney, though. She's fucking up so royally that the information and stories don't even have to be televised to creep into my ear. Well, I heard some shit a few days ago that pissed me off; kinda made me think of a few strippers I've known, so I decided to do some research on this pig and learn a little bit more about Ms. Brit. Holy balls. Britney Spears likely has Courtney Love looking at her and thinking, "Wow, that's fucked up."
Now, you can think of the following as a timeline, but I'd like to picture it as the blueprinted road NOT to take in life. Aspiring whores and junkies, do the exact opposite of what you're about to read and you'll do just fine in life.
Dec. 2, 1981 Britney Jean Spears is born in McComb, Mississippi. Her birth, if nothing else, is an inspiration to aspiring parents in the United States; it means that two people can come together to mate, fuck up so badly, yet turn fortuitous because the little brat might grow up to make you wealthy.
1987: Britney begins taking dance lessons. I could find no evidence to back this up, but we can all assume at the tender age of six, Britney dancing might have been cute, as oppose to now when she dances, it starts to make most of us sick. Funny how time sorts things.
1990: Appears as a contestant on Star Search and wins . . . Sun shines on a dog's ass every once in a while.
1993: Britney joins The Mickey Mouse Club along with Christina Aguilera and Justin Timberlake. Uhh . . . Thanks, Walt! Thanks a lot! Goddamn trifecta from hell.
1997: Jive Records signs her, presumably seeing more in her than adult video makers.
1998: Releases first single "Baby One More Time". Ahh, yes. This catalyst shit snowball that will keep rolling and rolling for the next decade eventually causing a shit blizzard onto anyone with functioning eardrums.
1999: Britney Spears begins dating Justin Timberlake, a member of the synchronized barbershop quartet + 1 flamer, NSYNC. Those with their noses in Bop and Teen Beat remain oblivious that this combo platter of megalomania is nothing more than two spoiled jackanapes using each other for even more media attention.
May 16, 2000: Releases second album "Oops!... I Did It Again." Yep, she definitely fucked up again with this one; no argument here.
Feb. 2001: Signs a two year contract with Pepsi Inc., obviously wanting to advertise that drinking soda should be a sexy experience.
Nov. 6, 2001: Releases third album, "Britney." 3 albums in 3 years. It's like magic how she prolifically writes lyrics that are in perfect symmetry with melodic beats; they fuse to offer the listener a balanced earful of current pop culture perfection . . . OR
it doesn't really take much talent to produce her genre of music.
Feb. 15, 2002: Stars in the teen movie,
Crossroads. Sitting through 10 minutes of this movie is the equivalent of 30 minutes of electroshock therapy while fire ants nest in your scrotum.
Mar. 10, 2002: Britney is splashed with buckets of urine during filming of a television commercial in downtown Los Angeles. My only complaint is that pee isn't flammable.
Aug. 29, 2003: Madonna and Britney kiss mouth-to-mouth during their performance of "Like a Virgin" on the MTV Music Video Awards. American media then couples this instance with Janet Jackson's exposed tit to put blame on Hollywood turning people's kids into sex-crazed whores, while the parents of those children take absolutely no accountability.
Jan. 3, 2004: Britney marries childhood friend Jason Allen Alexander at The Little White Wedding Chapel. It is annulled 55 hours later hopefully because he realized no piece of flesh box is worth mental torture.
Feb. 4, 2004: The Oprah Winfrey Show devotes an entire hour to Britney Spears. The show had also devoted an entire hour to Tom Cruise, therefore we can safely say that people who watch Oprah are fucked.
April 2004: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline meet, frolic and run away to Europe together. Filming then begins for Britney's upcoming reality show entitled "Chaotic." Had I had the resources, money and power, the show would have been called, "Punch Me In The Face Because Oops, I Did It Again."
June 2004: Britney pops the question onto Kevin, then busts her knee and cancels her tour. The couple announce their engagement while
People,
Us Weekly and
National Enquirer are doing cartwheels because America is soaking this in as if it matters.
Nov. 9, 2004: Britney releases a collection of her audible tortures onto us, "Greatest Hits: My Prerogative." Thousands laugh because the "s" in "hits" is misplaced, as the "s" was supposed to go before the "hit."
Dec. 11, 2004: Britney takes one of her dogs to Picasso restaurant in the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas and orders it a $180.00 steak. The chef, Julian Serrano, is not amused. The dog then proceeds to only nibble at the steak.
Feb. 2005: Britney says her dogs, Bit Bit, Lacy Loo and Lucky, are more stylish than Paris Hilton's dog, Tinkerbell. Paris Hilton declares she would make a better mom than Britney because she feels she has done a great job tending to Tinkerbell, who she recently gave away to her mom, Kathy Hilton . . . The fact that this is printable information makes me wonder what this country is coming to.
April 2005: Britney announces she's pregnant on her Web site. Couple months later Britney appears in a video for her single "Someday (I Will Understand)." Well maybe someday I'll understand, too, baby. Not anytime soon, but someday.
May 5, 2005: Madonna is rumored to have turned down Britney's request to be godmother to her child.
September 14 2005: Britney gives birth to her and Kevin's first child, Sean Preston. A few months later, Britney is photographed driving with Sean Preston on her lap, not in a car seat. Britney is questioned by the Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services. She then proceeds to
blame the paparazzi.
April 1 2006: Sean Preston falls out of his high chair at home. Britney is questioned again by the Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services.
She blames the nanny. One month later Britney announces on David Letterman that she is pregnant once again. Hooray for Social Service employees! Talk about having job security.
May 18 2006: Britney nearly drops Sean Preston---but not her coffee---in New York.
She blames the cobblestones. A month later Britney cries and smacks her gum while defending her parenting techniques to Matt Lauer on "Dateline." About driving with Sean Preston in her lap: "I did it with my dad. I'd sit on his lap and I drive. We're country." Jesus Christ, that is fuckin' priceless.
September 12 2006: Britney and Kevin's second child together is born, Jayden James. Couple months afterward, Britney makes her first official appearance after giving birth as a surprise guest on "Late Show With David Letterman." The next day, she files for divorce, asking for sole custody (allowing visitation rights.) Kevin finds out via text message. She celebrates her broken home by going ice-skating at New York's Rockefeller Center.
November 2006: Kevin fights back, filing for sole custody. Britney's response is to get wasted every chance she gets with Paris Hilton.
February 2007: Britney checks into Crossroads Centre, a rehab facility on the Caribbean island of Antigua, only to check out a day later then proceeds to shave her head. One week later, Britney checks into Promises Malibu Alcohol and Drug Rehab Treatment Facility in Malibu, California, only to check out less than 24 hours later. Couple days later, Britney checks back into Promises, as Kevin asks the court for an emergency hearing to help sort out custody issues . . . issues that---apparently escaping his mind---could easily be solved with a ball peen hammer behind a curtain.
March 2007: Britney completes her program at Promises, as Kevin celebrates his 29th birthday. They reach a settlement on issues of their marriage and child custody, in which the couple are to split custody 50/50, which means no matter where the kids are on any given day, they're always going to be half-fucked.
July 2007: Britney takes the kids out of state, which is a violation of the shared-custody agreement, only to have a tussle with paparazzi outside the Wynn hotel and casino in Las Vegas. Another paparazzi she had attacked with an umbrella, she blamed her actions on a prospective movie role. "I was preparing a character for a possible movie role where the husband doesn't play his part so they swap places."
Wow.
August 6 2007: Britney has a minor fender-bender when she hits a parked car. Well, it would have been minor except for the fact that she doesn't have a driver's license in the state of California and she left the scene while being photographed and videotaped.
September 2007: A Los Angeles judge orders Britney to do random drug testing, counseling and parenting classes as he evaluates the couple's opposing custody wishes. Kevin is also ordered to take parenting lessons. Britney swaps lawyers within the same month she is charged with two misdemeanor counts of hit and run causing property damage and driving without a valid license. She continues to drive anyway and is photographed driving with her kids in the car.
Now . . . this should almost go without saying, but personally I have a fraction the money Britney has, meaning, whenever I'm going out for the night and plan on getting sloppy drunk, I can flip for the cab/limo driver. This chick should be able to have her own driver, who, when off-duty, waters plants or something. I mean, get real. And why doesn't Britney Spears opt this strategy? Well . . . I suspect it's because she's a fucking moron, to be blunt. Perhaps a control freak of some sort, but a moron nonetheless, as you'll see . . .
October 1 2007: A Los Angeles judge orders Britney to give the kids to Kevin, at least temporarily.
November 2007 and beyond: Britney requested an emergency hearing in Jan '08, trying to get custody reinstated. She showed up to court but LEFT before going inside the court room! The Commissioner kept his ruling the same: Spears has had all visitation privileges revoked "indefinitely."
According to a report in
Us Weekly, Britney Spears showed up recently at a Los Angeles elementary school and said that she was there to pick up some kids . . . that weren't hers. Britney claimed she was supposed to take home her lawyer's children but quickly bolted.
Ya know, the list goes on and on. Anyone giving a shit can keep up with this shit-storm of a human being at
Perezhilton.com.
It's no surprise Britney seems to scare small children and I'm sick of people saying this is sad. This is not sad; it's pathetic. This is someone who still thinks she is a spoiled little princess and cannot stand to not get her way and throws shit fits when she doesn't. Fuck her.
This "woman" (and I shudder to even refer to Britney as that) does not deserve her children, and definitely does not deserve all the chances the courts have given her. It's absolutely ridiculous because she isn't going to get better. This is how she is just like how a stripper and a hooker are, and a drug or gambling addict are: irresponsible cunts who take responsibility for jack shit.
