I swear I have not met this chick as of today.

I've been talking with this chick for about two months now whom I still haven't met in person since I met her online. We usually txt message each other a few times every couple days, and during such instances I sometimes fuck with her in a major asshole-like fashion just because I'm cocky like that.

During the time I've talked with her on the phone and txted, I've had my phone number changed twice, submerged in water, didn't call her when I said I would a few times, and probably degraded her more in two months than Ike did Tina in two weeks, PLUS even gave her my website URL and she still has no questions AND continues to speak with me. My sister even said, "Jesus, this girl is like the Little Engine That Could. She just won't give up. I love her!"

So earlier today this chick was at work and I was unorthodoxly awake and she coaxed me into downloading and installing something I would never even think of: Google chat---She's behind a proxy at whatever the fuck job she's at. Hey, she's not a stripper so I don't really give a fuck; good job!

Well, this primitive version of ICQ logs the chats, and as I was 'chatting' with her, the dick in me inevitably prevailed, as I couldn't handle the nonsense anymore. I thought it would make a good post because it's funny, and Lord knows I love funny shit rather than bitch shit.

Enjoy the relevant segment of our discourse. By the way, she HATES smokers, and I take my Marlboro Menthol Ultra Lights more serious than your children's lives.

(Mid chat. Remember, I have not altered the text. All of this was actually said . . . err . . . typed, rather. The pictures are just thoughts, duh.)

catharticlament: Yep. But I kinda have this charm that surpasses the limitations the tobacco industry has apparently set on me. You'll forget all about the cigs because you're not a dumbass who uses OkCupid. You read that post, didn't you?

cafegirlmel: no i cant say that i did - oh wait is that the one that had the million crazy questions? and by the way charm will only get you so far with me. im sure i would be a much better habit for you than smoking!

catharticlament: Yea, that's the one. My sister sets all that shit up. I think she views it as a hobby. Or maybe she really doesn't want me to get back with my psycho ex stripper cunt-bag. And there is no better habit than smoking. Not even masturbation.

cafegirlmel: hmmm if you say so. we'll see if you say that someday after having a heart attack and you're hooked up to an oxygen tank and your lungs are all black.

catharticlament: So smoking would be okay if I didn't inhale. Thanks.

cafegirlmel: whatever - i will never get past the smoking issue - so if you will never consider quitting then it aint gonna work. those babies your sister thinks we are going to have will not be brought up around smoke of any kind!!

catharticlament: And here you go again.

cafegirlmel: what

catharticlament: you and your back and forth. Pissing me off. I told you this a month ago and you kept asking me to meet. Now you're telling me what the left side of your brain is thinking. Pick a team and stick to it!

cafegirlmel: fine then forget it -- i like you but i wont be with someone who smokes. i was hoping that maybe you would get to know me and realize that im a really great girl and you say that you want more and better for your life - and that you would quit smoking because its bad for you anyways and otherwise im not gonna be in the picture

catharticlament: How about this . . . we meet and spend some qt together, and if your entire existence outweighs the elation I get from smoking, I can quit. I don't even think I'm addicted. Might be some oral fixation thing. Even when I'm not smoking, I'm usually chewing on a bar straw.

cafegirlmel: why dont you try gum -- theres an idea. i dont really know that i have the energy to try to compete with a little white stick to see which one you enjoy sucking on more -- so i dont know

catharticlament: Then I guess we're off for lunch tomorrow. Cry baby.

cafegirlmel: im sorry that i have standards. lunch tomorrow?? you wont even drive an extra 5 minutes -- i mean come on -- ever heard of chivalry -- be a nice guy and drive an extra 3 miles

catharticlament: Hey, just outta curiousity, where's the line between male chivalry and female selfishness?

cafegirlmel: oh really?? a nice guy would want a girl to feel comfortable and would put her first -- think of how you would want a guy to treat your sister. im not saying that if we were to get together that i would never meet you or accomodate you - but in the beginning it would be nice for you guys to go out of your way a little

catharticlament: Are you Christian?

cafegirlmel: im not asking for the world - just make me feel a little special ok. am i christian? i was raised catholic and went to catholic school for 8 years - i havent been to church in years but yeah i guess i would say i am christian - where are you going with this

catharticlament: Because Christians usually say the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Just making sure there wasn't a new formation people were following. But you've affirmed you're Christian so now I understand.

cafegirlmel: you're a real dick understand that!! your cute joking and sarcarsm goes to cockiness way too fast for me

catharticlament: I get that sometimes. Just go with it.

cafegirlmel: no - your not fucking god's gift baby - i dont need to go with anything - show a little respect. you say you dont want some crack whore - then stop talking to me like im some idiot

catharticlament: Crack whores smoke. Maybe that's not such a bad idea.

cafegirlmel: good go with that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

catharticlament: Settle down. Holy fuck. Find your center.

cafegirlmel: i told you that if you made the find your center comment to me again that i was done - remember that

catharticlament: actually you told me where you were going to shove my center. I'm pretty sure you meant in my ass.

cafegirlmel: just for the record im not amused by you right now

catharticlament: All right. Give me a few minutes and I'll think of some ingenious way to inflate your ego . . . Can babies be brought up around smoke signals?

cafegirlmel: im not in the mood to be fucked with - my mood can change in an instant and right now in just not in the mood. why am i always drawn to the wrong guys - why? the really really nice guys bore me. the ones who would probably do anything for me and would treat me like gold. i need someone to challenge me -- but i also need him to know when to back down and be a nice guy. and no --- no smoke around babies of any kind

catharticlament: Can babies live above a smoke shop?

cafegirlmel: NO. it will come through the vents

catharticlament: Actually one cannot smoke inside a smoke shop, as it is a public place to purchase cigs/cigars. I think the baby would be just fine.

cafegirlmel: yeah but they will all smoke outside and then if you have the windows open it will come in

catharticlament: You must really love firemen. Got a calendar of 'em?

cafegirlmel: every girl loves a good fireman - do you know any??

catharticlament: what if I start a fire in the bathtub and then pee on it. Would that earn me a little moistness in your britches?

cafegirlmel: no

catharticlament: All right. What if I didn't start the fire but still peed on it?

cafegirlmel: no and im losing interest in the whole peeing thing

catharticlament: Well if thats the case we really got problems.

cafegirlmel: why u enjoy running around peeing on things

catharticlament: Not things per say.

cafegirlmel: if youre one of those guys who like to pee during sex im not interested brb

catharticlament: No pee during sex? Yea, you're seriously not ready for this conversation. May the Lord be with you. Gotta go.

Yea . . . So?

Z <-- Enough about me, let's talk about you . . . What do ya think about me?

E-mail: embittered@catharticlament.com Forum: www.lamented.createmyboard.com Myspace: www.myspace.com/catharticlament Main page: catharticlament.com

UPDATE: 08-09-08

Cafegirlmel has since had no problem telling me what an asshole I am for putting this up. Seems she feels violated and used even though nobody on the planet could possibly link her to this, not even myself, as I still have not met her in person.

Sorry for making you feel bad, baby, but it's still funny shit. :)