Been getting some reader feedback on my posts; more specifically lack thereof. People have to understand I started working seven nights a week about 3 months ago so my "free time" and energy to crank out posts is already somewhat limited. Throw in I'm on the phone as much as a woman with numerous people and have been hooked on XBOX Live with Call of Duty: World At War the past couple months, you tell me where your posts would be?
Plus---and here's the kicker---I really haven't been drinking at all. As of right now, I've been sober for two weeks straight and haven't even been trying to quit; probably the only one in the bar scene who was 100% sober New Year's as well. I've researched this in my head in attempts to find an explanation why a drunk bastard like myself has been turning down shots and not taking advantage of "open bar" at the strip clubs I work at, and all I can come up with is that I'm happy (the loss of my mother has recently injected me with wanting to be a better person also, as she hated my drinking.) I mention this pertinent point because roughly 95% of my previous posts have been written completely shitfaced, but someone close to me said I can be funny sober so in attempts to appease the loyal fans of CLDC, here's what I came up with while eating a salad with spring water.
Well, at the end of last year I did a piece on 2007's mother of the year whom I'd facetiously crowned Britney Spears. I hear she's got her shit together as of late, which is always nice to hear about a junkie whore considering that sweet story doesn't hit these ears too fucking often, so rather than throw a large addendum onto that post, let's go with a fresh screw-up millions of pre-pubescent, pompon-shaking, hymen owners consider to be Hollywood royalty:
Similar to my
Anna Nicole and
Britney timelines, do the exact opposite of what you're about to read and you'll do just fine in life. :)
July 2, 1986: Lindsay Dee Lohan is born in New York City to Michael and Dina Lohan, two adults whom from what I've learned by little research used to beat the shit out of each other. We can only hope Michael was drilling Dina doggy-style directly before Lindsay was conceived since the thought of her mother being donkey-punched makes my heart fizz with sprightly bubbles. Unfortunately sperm did find the egg in this lovemaking travesty, which is proof that even when two people are married it doesn't mean they're going to have a positive experience raising a kid that should have slid from a human's hairy ass rather than a vagina.
1998: Lindsay stars in
The Parent Trap. I've been able to sleep just fine without having ever seen it; those with testosterone coursing through their veins likely should have no idea what the movie is anyway.
2003: Personally I haven't seen either of these movies, which I'm sure in some bleak realm of transference has kept my IQ above 130, but Lindsay stars in her 2nd film,
Freaky Friday with Jamie Lee Curtis, where Lindsay performs the song "Ultimate" for the soundtrack. At age 17, she wins Best Breakthrough Female at the MTV Movie Awards for this film. Quite the prestigious award: A "music" channel throwing out "movie" awards. Right about now in time one can assume the actual award is serving the same purpose as your grandmother's first promise ring.
December 7, 2004: Releases her first album, "Speak," which hits #4 on the Billboard charts, yet I receive absolutely no requests from strippers to hear any of these nauseating tracks for their public denuding - - - Alas, the women I've worked with over the years actually have done me a favor by not making me listen to this power-puff drivel.
Early 2005: Appears to lose a significant amount of weight, leading to rumors that she is suffering from anorexia or is abusing drugs. Lindsay Lohan tells People Magazine: "I got a trainer ... Just old-school working out." Yea . . . sure. We could label that quote as "the writing's on the wall," or more pragmatically, "Bitch, please."
July, 2005: Mattel releases the Lindsay Lohan "My Scene" doll. Thousands of Hot Pocket-eating nerds become disappointed after realizing the doll isn't inflatable.
September, 2005: Lindsay begins working on her second album, "A Little More Personal." Just the title alone makes me envy people with autism.
October 2005: The first single, "Confessions of a Broken Heart" hits radio airwaves, seemingly only taking a month to write, rehearse and record an entire album, which doesn't bode well for quality auditory observance end user-wise. With all of Lindsay's lies and bullshit thus far in the spotlight, Christ would assuredly draw her out of limbo once she dies if she would just come out with some truth for once, such as:
January 3, 2006: Lindsay is hospitalized for a severe asthma attack after hosting a New Year's event. Later in the month Lindsay gets the word “breathe” tattooed on her wrist, referencing her asthma attack, yet opts not marring her other wrist with another important reminder, "Don't Sing."
April, 2006: Lindsay Lohan, Kate Moss and Courtney Love go on a Hawaiian vacation together. A source told the paper, "Courtney is determined to be a calming influence on Lindsay who has had a really tough time of things, and she also adores Kate. When Kate was in rehab following damning footage of her cocaine abuse last September, Courtney was on standby to help her through it." Well isn't that just a honeyed chaperon: Courtney Love. After the seventeenth butchered corpse in my basement, think I'll give ol' Charles Manson a call to cure my itch for serial killing. Wtf.
July 26, 2006: Sent by filming studio Morgan Creek to Lindsay Lohan during production of
Georgia Rule in regards to her fucking up and this so-called "heat exhaustion."
October 1, 2006. Concerned friends warn Lindsay Lohan she needs to go into rehab after she is dumped by her boyfriend, Harry Morton. This jilt sparks a cocaine and booze binge with out-of-control behavior like standing alone in a dark alleyway outside a New York nightclub, performing a strange dance of karate-style kicks in between puffing on her cigarette - - - It's called synchronized dancing for the mentally defective, which thus far has been officially undiagnosed, but c'mon.
November 12, 2006: Lindsay Lohan overdoses on a deadly cocktail of cocaine and painkillers while in London, and this is after she was supposed to host the World Music Awards, only to stumble on steps, flub her lines and abandon her emcee role early in the program. In an exclusive interview with News of the World, Lohan admitted, "It was terrifying. But going through shit makes me that much stronger." Indeed, because I know many people who benefit from a mixture of drugs and alcohol. They're called strippers, and if Lohan is "stronger" after an incident such as this, then every chick who's ever tipped me must be "emancipated from reality."
December, 2006: Lindsay begins attending AA meetings; neat. And I could attend a Star Trek convention, but that doesn't mean I know what the fuck is going on.
December 18, 2006: Lindsay Lohan suffers bruises from dancing on a stripper's pole while preparing for her role as a topless dancer in her new movie, "I Know Who Killed Me." Lindsay says, "I mean really though, really, I didn't know it was actually possible to have bruises in such areas of the body. Strippers dude, I tell you, I really respect the cunts now. . . I'm not gonna lie to ya." Ahh . . . I just bet every pole-twirling minx out there is renewed by Lindsay's newfound adoration towards them. Just remember, stripper, whenever you're feeling down and out, Lohan is now in your corner. Awesome.
January 17, 2007: Lohan checks into L.A.'s Wonderland Center rehab saying she wants to "take care of my personal health." Lohan leaves rehab after 30-day stay, presumably assuming she is now Ms. Goodbody.
May 26, 2007: Lohan arrested after crashing her Mercedes into a Beverly Hills sidewalk. She is charged with DUI; cocaine is found in the car.
July 2, 2007: Lindsay Lohan attends her twenty-first birthday party in Las Vegas. After admitting it is her "first sober birthday ever," she makes an elaborate show of feasting on birthday cake confirmed to be 90-proof Italian rum cake. Few days later Lindsay gets "time off for bad behavior" from her outpatient treatment for alcohol and drug addiction and joins her mother for diner where Lindsay orders beer-battered shrimp, Jack Daniel's babyback ribs and two helpings of Amaretto cheesecake, which she consumed through a straw. Fucking great.
July 9, 2007. Hoping to capitalize on her newfound sobriety, Lindsay Lohan instructs her email assistant to contact Evian, Perrier, Poland Springs, and several other bottled water companies with the pitch she will endorse the highest bidder's product and guarantee that paparazzi will be alerted every time she goes anywhere with a bottle of water in her hand; all she asks is for a lifetime supply of bottled water and $3.5 million. Ms. Greedy Lohan tells reporters that she got three firm offers but her email assistant, who has since been fired, erased the emails, assuming they were spam. Bummer, bitch. I have a better ad campaign, anyway:
July 20, 2007: Lohan surrenders to police for Memorial Day crash and is officially charged with a DUI. Lindsay is charged with suspicion of driving under the influence, driving with a suspended license, possession of a controlled substance and bringing contraband into a custody facility. Lohan returns to an undisclosed rehab facility because as we all know, three times is a charm.
February, 2008: Lohan resurfaces onto the party scene after three months in rehab. This struggling actress has a hard time finding work and tries to focus upon her singing career and seriously declares she wishes to go on tour. Oh dear Lord, just bite the fuckin' bullet already.
May, 2008: Lindsay is slapped with another lawsuit, as a Columbia University student suggests that Lohan stole her mink coat during a NYC party. And how is this found out? Lindsay is seen in OK! Magazine rocking the coat she'd stolen after a few weeks. The coat was returned to the student who claimed it smelt of cigarettes and liquor. I surmise it might have been sticky in a few places as well.
June, 2008: After sucking celebrity cock for three years, it is around this time Lindsay Lohan is confirmed to be a lesbian with DJ Samantha Ronson. As well, Lindsay's parents show their true colors by being fame-whores. Dina, the mother is slated for an E! reality show entitled,
Living Lohan while father, Michael blogs for OK! Magazine. What gibberish.
November, 2008: Lindsay Lohan, "At some point, I want to adopt a kid – a child in need or a newborn from another country." Well naturally, baby.
