Do you know how I know a woman thought this up, assumed it was clever then unjust proliferation took place like herpes? Because it's stupid, and women spread the stupidest shit I've ever heard in my life. Oftentimes I'll hear a series of words forming a sentence, but if they came from a woman's mouth I automatically envy ostriches and want to purchase stock in androgyny ads.
Just picture the walking manatees who conjured up that "food" instigates amorousness more than blowjobs. What the fuck was she thinking aside from how to eat the cake herself?
See, your male brain has a defense mechanism referenced as "logic," and in return means there's no possible fucking way you could believe something so retarded. I mean, yea, sure, sweetheart. Go get me a beer and cook me up some Hungarian sausage. Make sure the bun is warm and I have barbeque sauce. I'll eat what you just served me and know you're aiming to please, but if you want my heart, you better put that mouth to use for something other than expressing more asinine thoughts.
Less talkie, more suckie <--- There's the quickest map to our aorta.
"You can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink it."
Now this one I get, only it's more like, "You can lead a woman to sanity but can't make them think it."
Women could run the world if they simply gave more head. You tell me how it's fucking possible a woman can spend 3 hours in the mirror within a 24 hour period and can't suck dick for ten minutes.
It's because they're lazy. They'd rather bounce birdbrain ideas to the other end of a cell phone instead of accomplishing something. Far too worried about glitter and highlights and whoever's pole Angelina Jolie currently has her mouth wrapped around.
You can lead a stripper to college but can't make them achieve it.
You can lead a crack head to a meeting but can't make them talk.
And, of course, I'll stick a unicorn's face into a puddle before a Mexican could file a tax return.
"The early bird gets the worm."
And a late whore gets the cock.
Son of a bitch, if you work 3rd shift on your daily grind, just soaking in this putrid series of words automatically makes one think of fisherman, and guess what?
I don't fish.
I don't give a fuck about baiting fish. I don't give a fuck if Compton went without catfish for a month because really . . . I don't care about thugs not having fish to eat, therefore I don't give a fuck about sunrises, coffee, worms or what time the boat leaves the dock because it's meaningless.
Just because you awaken with the rest of the heard at 6 A.M. doesn't mean you're accomplishing something more important than I. Rest assured, you probably suck if you work 9 to 5.
Drone.
"It's colder than a witch's tit."
What the fuck does that even mean? It's so void of commonplace common sense that I don't know a proper retort. Umm . . .
"It's hotter than a leprechaun's nutsack."
Wow. Neat. I just started a phrase.
Is that funny? Not really. Know why? BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
"Did you order this weather?"
Ever run into that one asshole at the bar or supermarket whom obviously insists upon making small talk because he has yet to call his grandmother this week?
Yea, let's talk about the shitty weather out there while I stand in line with you, asshole. Tell me all about your prognosis on how tomorrow will fair since today is obviously treating me like shit. I totally fucking forgot to shake my magic 8-Ball, so why don't you remind me how it's snowing in April thereafter add what you think May will shove up my ass for yet another 30 days. Dick.
Did I order this weather? Uhh . . . well, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. I ordered an edited version of the Second Coming to take away all the Rednecks and Arabs, but it seems my prayers went unanswered since I can't get someone who speaks English on the phone when I call Sprint customer service nor can I get a fucking cab without being able to speak Swahili or having meth.
Yea . . . sure. I ordered this weather. I wished for cranium-piercing hail, but guess what? I lost. I guess God had his headphones on earlier.
"What's your poison?"
Who the shit? You the shit? Bartender, you need to quit.
If you're at your local watering hole and some schlepper asks you what your poison is, have a hypodermic needle on hand, bust it out and stab him.
Bartender: "What the fuck are you doing?!"
You: "You asked me what my poison was. Today it's Windex. Can I get a beer?"
Bartender: "Get the fuck outta here, you crazy mother fucker! You just stabbed me with a needle!"
You: "Poison ain't so funny now, is it?"
"Sweating like a pig"
Just hearing this one makes me want to bite people. It's not so much the fact that pigs don't sweat . . . wait . . . well, yea, it is. Pigs don't sweat. This phrase isn't even a retarded stepchild to cleverness. It's beyond ridiculous and if you use "sweating like a pig" you need to move to England. They do all sorts of wacky shit that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Surround yourself with others who closely identify with your brand of wit. That or start a sheep farm and become a mute.
"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh."
Look, the Lord didn't give or take jack shit in your life.
If you have something worth some value in monetary appraisal or emotional stock, you made that happen. Tvs, cars, loved ones, crib midgets and perhaps mental stability. God didn't give you any of that because you worked/earned it.
If the Lord has taken anything, it's people's brains because there are some fucking crazy mother fuckers running around out there and I haven't a logical explanation as to why these individuals persistently mistake fiction from reality, so be forewarned, nut-bags are coming in droves to a city near you. I have to assume this to be true considering they are prevalently practicing psychopathic conniptions here in Milwaukee; people are flat-out losing their fucking minds. God just might have taken their common sense since nothing else explains this lunacy; That or 78% of the population has syphilis and just doesn't get medicated.
Yet, even crack heads know the Lord didn't take anything from them since even the most über dope fiend knows damn-well he/she lost everything because of weakness.
God didn't fuck up anything in any one of your lives. You're doing okie dokie all by yourselves.
"It's all just a matter of opinion, and all that really matters is mine."
Hey . . . now that one is pretty cool. :)
